I'm siting here wracking my head back and forth with what to say. Well let me paint an exquisite picture for you I am sitting here, with vacant eyes and greasy hair that may or may not have barbeque sauce in it. Ready to press the power button off because I can't think, when the one constant in my life is constantly thinking. Everything I do, or have done is just casually reminding me of how little or how much I've let things go/undone. I wish I could translate this nonsense into clever well structured lines. Instead, I'm here contemplating washing such said grease and sulking but I can't just leave another draft, I have over one hundred drafts of things that could've, should've,would've been but know I've forgotten what to say or how it connected with me. This place used to be my safe haven where whatever bothered me would be washed out here. It was very therapeutic... actually now its kinda the opposite, I hate it. I feel like I'm pressuring myself into writing amazing personal pieces that I've lost touch with what made them so special to me and most importantly why I was doing it? So I'm just trying to reconnect with this nonsense and transform it into a must read. I see all these girls online putting everything they have that's wrong about them and owning it. They somehow have managed to convert the bad stuff into the better parts of them. While I'm still hanging on to forgotten moments.
I'm far to stuck up in my head to realize that everything I say may seem like gibberish but it's done quite a number on me. All I do is think, I vicariously live out my dreams and goals in my head. I was taught that visualization was a key principle in becoming successful but I took that one a little too far seeing as that now I've crossed the line and I cant get out. The line has been hidden by all my remarks and oh, so magical "movie moments". People always wonder why I'm so quiet and keep to myself. I like myself a bit too much, and have forgotten about the rest of the world. I think more than average, I've doubled the dosage and have found myself trapped. I obviously know that this is dangerous it's as if my thoughts are placed into a syringe, and the needle is being pressed into my brain and slowly releasing the melancholy. I gotta stop this love affair between hating myself and building myself up. I tend to forget that I am young, and yes, from time to time I will mess up but you know what that's okay. I can mess up one hundred more times but the point is that I take something from it not live it out in my head everyday. I'm setting myself up for a terribly miserable life, what I have to do is soak in all the goodness, laugh about it and move on.
