The first two weeks of this month were spent in a place that I call home in Allen spark, Colorado. This was my second time going to RMPR. I already had expectations and had a general idea of what I was getting myself into. In the sea of the other 26 kids, I saw nervous faces, I saw there faces go from zero to sixty. They looked mortified, and restless. It reminded me of my first time there, I was so scared and worried. I reassured to them that the next two weeks were going to be amazing, and truly unforgettable. And they were, I loved every bit of my trip it was all so painfully beautfiful
It was painful; in the way that all coming of age stories start off where the main character is awkward and intimidated by it's new found surroundings.You get to see the characters develop and transform into new people. You go through physically and mentally exhausting challenges. You get to see yourself come out of the experience as a new person. Its also beautiful in the way that you get to wake up every morning and see the beautiful snow. Its beautiful seeing 27 complete strangers become a family in a few days. Here are some highlights of my trip slash outpouring of emotions.
From the immediate second, I was the first one to walk in. I saw Megan my R.A from Blackbird and Claire my R.A from last August. I was so happy, I started screaming it felt like we picked off right where I left off. It's crazy how I only knew them for such a temporary time and already felt immediate bonds with them. I was sorta bummed that I missed Christina by a week but Megan managed to pull of the role of facilitator. It seemed natural for her. It was a challenge returning to what was mine for two weeks. I kept comparing my last trip to this one, I was really quick to judge the new R.As. Which was something, I corrected quite quickly. I came to the realization that they weren't bad at all, they reminded me of why I loved being there. Of course there was about 100 different changes from the last time I'd been there but at the heart of it all the message was still the same.
Lots of changes grabbed me by surprise that I nearly fell at the sight of each one of them. Some were better and some were worse, I don't mean to discredit anything or sound whiny but I will. There were times were I found myself competing with the rest of my peers to catch the attention of the ra's to become one of their favorites. It sounds stupid, believe me I know but I did this last time. That's what made a world of a difference to me. I didn't bond with any of the RA's at all. I wasn't anyone's favorite, and that bothered me a lot. It so petty for me to take nothing and create something. Its honestly been a life long struggle, I've never been anyone's favorite anything, I was never at the top of any list or even friends. I wasn't my mom's favorite or even on Myspace I was no ones top. Last time I was there I was much more focused on myself than my group. I couldnt care less for the sports cliques and the drama/madness that came from it. This time I was all for getting along with everyone and making friends out of it. Most of it was effortless and I enjoyed talking to everyone. I was happy. I sucked it up in situations where I felt less than because like, they've reminded us thousands of times was that we're in the middle of a mountain in a different state with new people and new experiences so i couldn't get mad or even waste this precious time on petty unresolved issues.
For most of the activities I went in, I was like yeah, I know exactly what's gonna happen. When I saw the two old dudes from last time who looked like cowboys I knew we were gonna square dance, when I woke up on Sunday I realized the emotions this day would bring on, when i saw them bring the chairs in for the round table in the viewing room.I instantly started freaking out and so on and so forth... With that being said, I was just as equally disappointed as happy. The biggest disappointment was when we did the activity where they took us far off out of trail to symbolically throw a rock for something we need to let go of and leave it. We pick one pretty rock and one ugly one. The ugly one you throw far into the snow where you can't find it and the pretty on you keep till further instruction tells you to write something on it. Last time I did this it was in the summertime, before the floods hit. So needless to say many things have changed, when they put me in the facilitators group like last time. I was so excited, because last time. I was with Christina she took me to a small bridge over a wide river that flowed into the deep boroughs of Colorado. I didn't know what she was going to say but when she started talking I started crying. I don't think I ever cried as much as I did there. She basically gave me a pep talk and compared my strengths to the strengths of the ever-flowing river. Of course I found out that others were told similar things, but this one felt customized to me. Either way I don't care who else was told this, point is I never look at rivers the same way anymore and felt like someone actually encouraged me. It was truly magical and to this day I refer to that moment when I feel down. I guess through wishful making up i expected that to happen again. The warm magical feeling of feeling, alright. I didn't they told us to go to the farthest spot we can find. I was waiting for her cue to come in and tell me how amazing I am, to build me up, to say anything remotely relatable to my life. She didn't and i was so bummed. It indirectly taught me that no one has to tell you, you're a good person that maybe some time by yourself will teach you to believe in yourself. That I can't rely on special talks to change me that maybe its all in me to do it.
With big disappointment came a bigger lesson disguised in it. A lot of the times we create this image in our head of what things will be like because we've already have been through it. It seems almost obvious to naturally assume what will happen next. By constantly comparing and contrasting to vastly different experiences that took place in the same location. I ruined most of these new adventures. I kept seeing it as my second time therefore I didn't take the time to notice that none of it was the same and that's a good thing. Its not like every sunset of everyday is gonna be like the last because just like the sky we're constantly moving. Things can't stay in place for too long there not supposed to.
