What is the great unknown? Well I wouldnt know what it was even if
it hit me. i'd like to think of my future as this dark, tunnel that's
never ending, over shadowed by the outside world peering in but once you
get in your blinded and at the same time fascinated by all the
fluorescent lights on the walls. It goes by so fast that you feel a rush
going from your brain to the rest of your body. I can feel the head
rush, the wind blowing in my face, and the lights blinding me. Do i know
what my future holds hell no. No one does, its scary how we live our
lives in stages. at stage one were supposed to be this but at stage 7 we
cant be at stage 4. Now i have learned that life in itself is this big,
beautiful mess. we all are on different times and levels. just because
we share age and youth does not mean we are limited nor restricted. I,
myself am 6 months behind according to the world im late. But like I've
always believed in better late than never. I may have arrived to this
party too late but nonetheless I made it safe and sound. The road is
rocky, bumpy, cracked and slightly uneven. I'm late, I'm late.
Seeing
all the red caps, and fuzzy crowds. I got teary eyed but i could not
find it in me to cry. I'm not emotionless, i simply did not feel i felt
numb in the way that when i start a fire and a bit of a flame touches my
finger. I feel nothing, not one touch could burn me enough to stop me.
In like my fiery attempts prior to being there I have inevitably failed
and missed the cue. The only thing that really shook me. Was hearing the
letters C's. I heard all the names that ive once heard before on the
roster sheet. " Cisnerios, Cabera's and Caulderons". A part of me held
off for a second in the hopes of Mr. Miller announcing the words
Callejas, Jessica but he didnt for I was up here in the stands and they
were down there. It would've been pretty epic to get the diploma from my
favorite 9th grade teacher whom's corny jokes always past us by because
we were too busy playing around. I felt remorse this regret stretched
and spinned off to the top of my head. I heard a dozen names most of
whom I recognized but none that i personally knew. I felt bad because I
missed countless of opportunities to talk to this person or tell this
person how I actually felt or just how I never noticed them. It broke my
heart that this group, this huge assembly of people would never be in
the same room again. I'm so familiar to this feelin going to ofy has only
taught me that you only have right now. They somehow all add up to
create this huge experience whether or good or bad or however you pursue
to remember it,that's what it is. I've grown so accustomed to being
grabbed tightly at the wrist of whats in front of me and still endlessly
refusing to let go of what was. In a way im more prepared and more
experienced but on the other hand the pain never dies down and the
denial always comes in stronger than the last. I want to believe that
these people who I call friends who I love so much will be there for me
till the end but I know that it doesnt happen, it never does. Forever
isnt ever, and today wont stretch out till tomorrow without losing its
feeling. There is a future I want, its light, its fun and lively but I
cant keep chasing it with a blindfold on my eyes and ear buds hanging
from my ears.
Ultimately I am very proud of my friends
and all of their acheivements, this is just a small portion of whats to
come. What they've felt in high school has come in smaller way smaller
doses of what really goes on. Its like we've tried it at its tamest and
intermediate but never felt the actual rawness of it. Adulthood, shit im
far from being an "adult" even as a young adult im constantly fucking
up. I'm putting aside my short-comings for once in my life and feeling
through another person. I know how hard they worked for this and i know
this feeling will end but let me savor it for at least a few more
sentences. With that being said, I am forever glad to have met Vanessa,
Isaura, Shantale, Roberto, and Veronica. Of course I met others in the
course of my short lived fairfax career, but none compare to these
dudes. To my friend i love you guys, and i hope you guys still talk to
me even after your cool college lives take off. To the people I've met
in and out of fhs, great things can happen clearly your a product of it.
Now I can't wait to feel the satisfaction of wearing a black cap and gown, strutting down the stage in Pasadena to receive my diploma. Novemeber, cant wait and neither can I. Like Alan once told me, " People always wait for time to pass them by so they can get what they want but what most do not realize is that you must work with time. If you do not work with time, then you have wasted your time". Coming from a spoiled kid who spent all his cash on pot and impressing girls in high school I was totally surprised but yeah what he said. I gotta work with these next months, or its time wasted.
