estuvo bien

re-reading these fossil like notions of when i was younger whiny, and complaining about everything is strange. i feel equally happy, sad, and mad. im happy that i was able to have an outlet to express my emotions, i used this space to take everything apart and kinda makeshift it back together. howerver, i am sad that im not as witty as when i wrote. the last three years of my life i couldve spent on writing and establishing my voice. i fucked up repeatedly. i slept so much, its insane to me on how ive spent the so called golden years before adulthood on just sleeping. this fear of failure that hangs over my head isnt helping either. im constantly living in fear that i'll never get better. but if i dont try my future will be written out before i could do it. i can see it already i stay with the firm grow into higher positions, get lazy fall in love with the first idiot who oggles me, get fat, and stay forever stuck all because i was too scared to be myself to write to not give a fuck. ive grown to become worse. im scared, i hate getting up out of my chair because im in fear of all the judging eyes, i get anxiety attacks on the regular, slouching is more than standing bent over to me its a way of life all bent up out of shape ready to tip over.

6.5.14

I know this song is about a hazy, snowy afternoon but it depicts the cheesy coming of age feeling that I overcame. It's weird seeing what could've been and not trying to let that hurt me anymore. Its the mental image that replays in my head that fucked me over.You know what? I'm strangely okay

The great unknown

What is the great unknown? Well I wouldnt know what it was even if it hit me. i'd like to think of my future as this dark, tunnel that's never ending, over shadowed by the outside world peering in but once you get in your blinded and at the same time fascinated by all the fluorescent lights on the walls. It goes by so fast that you feel a rush going from your brain to the rest of your body. I can feel the head rush, the wind blowing in my face, and the lights blinding me. Do i know what my future holds hell no. No one does, its scary how we live our lives in stages. at stage one were supposed to be this but at stage 7 we cant be at stage 4. Now i have learned that life in itself is this big, beautiful mess. we all are on different times and levels. just because we share age and youth does not mean we are limited nor restricted. I, myself am 6 months behind according to the world im late. But like I've always believed in better late than never. I may have arrived to this party too late but nonetheless I made it safe and sound. The road is rocky, bumpy, cracked and slightly uneven. I'm late, I'm late.          
Seeing all the red caps, and fuzzy crowds. I got teary eyed but i could not find it in me to cry. I'm not emotionless, i simply did not feel i felt numb in the way that when i start a fire and a bit of a flame touches my finger. I feel nothing, not one touch could burn me enough to stop me. In like my fiery attempts prior to being there I have inevitably failed and missed the cue. The only thing that really shook me. Was hearing the letters C's. I heard all the names that ive once heard before on the roster sheet. " Cisnerios, Cabera's and Caulderons". A part of me held off for a second in the hopes of Mr. Miller announcing the words Callejas, Jessica but he didnt for I was up here in the stands and they were down there. It would've been pretty epic to get the diploma from my favorite 9th grade teacher whom's corny jokes always past us by because we were too busy playing around.  I felt remorse this regret stretched and spinned off to the top of my head. I heard a dozen names most of whom I recognized but none that i personally knew. I felt bad because I missed countless of opportunities to talk to this person or tell this person how I actually felt or just how I never noticed them. It broke my heart that this group, this huge assembly of people would never be in the same room again. I'm so familiar to this feelin going to ofy has only taught me that you only have right now. They somehow all add up to create this huge experience whether or good or bad or however you pursue to remember it,that's what it is. I've grown so accustomed to being grabbed tightly at the wrist of whats in front of me and still endlessly refusing to let go of what was. In a way im more prepared and more experienced but on the other hand the pain never dies down and the denial always comes in stronger than the last. I want to believe that these people who I call friends who I love so much will be there for me till the end but I know that it doesnt happen, it never does. Forever isnt ever, and today wont stretch out till tomorrow without losing its feeling. There is a future I want, its light, its fun and lively but I cant keep chasing it with a blindfold on my eyes and ear buds hanging from my ears.
    Ultimately I am very proud of my friends and all of their acheivements, this is just a small portion of whats to come. What they've felt in high school has come in smaller way smaller doses of what really goes on. Its like we've tried it at its tamest and intermediate but never felt the actual rawness of it. Adulthood, shit im far from being an "adult" even as a young adult im constantly fucking up. I'm putting aside my short-comings for once in my life and feeling through another person. I know how hard they worked for this and i know this feeling will end but let me savor it for at least a few more sentences. With that being said, I am forever glad to have met Vanessa, Isaura, Shantale, Roberto, and Veronica. Of course I met others in the course of my short lived fairfax career, but none compare to these dudes. To my friend i love you guys, and i hope you guys still talk to me even after your cool college lives take off. To the people I've met in and out of fhs, great things can happen clearly your a product of it.
 Now I can't wait to feel the satisfaction of wearing a black cap and gown, strutting down the stage in Pasadena to receive my diploma. Novemeber, cant wait and neither can I. Like Alan once told me, " People always wait for time to pass them by so they can get what they want but what most do not realize is that you must work with time. If you do not work with time, then you have wasted your time". Coming from a spoiled kid who spent all his cash on pot and impressing girls in high school I was totally surprised but yeah what he said. I gotta work with these next months, or its time wasted.

Happy sunday

 WE ARE TREES- I DON'T BELIEVE IN LOVE

growing pains

IM 18 I CANT WRAP MY HEAD AROUND THE IDEA OF NO LONGER BEING A TEENAGER. this really crept up on me like i had no clue it didnt hit me till 11:57 that I was no longer 17, that in three minutes I was gonna be an adult. Subtly i'll be changing my stubborn teenage tenancies into something with more shape and form. Oh my god, 18 is super young and new. What scares me the most is that my birthdays from here on out are just of me getting older and older and slowly from teen to young adult to actual motherf**** adult. I hope i have a fun day with my friends and just live it up. Im thankful for all the opportunities and experiences I gained. I did not get my dream dude or even dream night but you know what I traveled, faced my fears, jumped off a tree, made not only friends but family and ultimately come to an understanding with myself. 18 aint gonna be smooth sailings but it will be another great year filled with new adventures. Im excited/ scared slash everything and nothing. OMG

IM OFFICIALLY AN ADULT NOW... WHAT THE HECK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Life imitates art

I haven't written on here in a cool minute. I suck at keeping up with things. I mean with drag queen reality shows I'll be on it but with important projects i just leave it unattended long enough for it to come back to me. Yeah. Lately, I've been very petty with my emotions. The green eyed monster has taken me hostage for weeks now. Adulthood is really creeping in, my 18th birthday is in a little over two weeks. I am scared just the idea of it makes my head sink into a pillow. I think I've gotten worse at keeping track of my emotions. Its like one of those graph charts that sky rockets fine and then quickly spirals out of control until it lands somewhere way deep among the clouds. I guess, you could say my thoughts are like clouds either very distant or very close. But whatever the distance may be in proximity it doesn't matter. Clouds from afar seem so thick and full but up close like on a plane and stuff they're really nothing but air. I feel like an airhead most days because the things I say are so carelessly disorganized. I mean I know its gonna rain soon what with deadlines, graduations, and college. I just though this impending storm would be slowly delayed. I thought that bright light would come in and over shadow it but like all things especially my assumptions always go array. I should know better. Prom was my main focus for a good year or so and now that's it passed me by I just feel bitterly disappointed. In all honestly I really did think it was gonna be a momentous occasion in which my life would change. Just like with a highly anticipated movie, a really good movies changes my perspective and moves me. This may have been a highly anticipated occasion for my young life but it definitely didn't do great on the scale. Maybe a 6/10, I mean what did I expect? really, was I gonna meet the dude of my dreams or finally tell off the girls who were mean to me all through my time at Fax. I expected sparks, deep conversations, and of course epic dancing. I've watched too many teen movies that are thickly disguised with fun music and crazier actions. It really was nothing but a small floor filled with sweaty teenagers all in full length gowns and ripped up petals on the ground from all the corsages. Ugh, don't even get me started on the lack of decor I was so pissed I spent a lot of money and not to mention time. Both things that I will never get back. It was half a ballroom, with the star baseball players cousin playing dj, the food was cold, there was a severe lack of decorations. The only thing I really enjoyed was the photo booth's they were the highlight of my night. It was supposed to be A Night In Never-land when it felt like a night at my distant relatives wedding. I knew everyone there, for a majority they knew me and awkward hugs and the typical one liners such as " You changed from the last time I saw you"  or the " You look familiar" AHH, high school how will I cherish and miss the mediocrity. Of course at every prom the popularity contest rules in who wins prom queen and king. I was so happy that a guy one queen. I may have never seen him at school or even heard of him but he deserved it. The crown looked much better on him than any tacky satin could ever do. I thought that was really cute, and the prom queen and king's dance was an awkward but ultimately adorable one. Okay, my prom experience was far off really far off from what I expected but you know what I can't say it was the worst thing ever. Because i got my dream dress for under a hundred bucks custom made at that, I got my hair and makeup done by one of the most sought out duo's in the rockabilly scene. Tony and Stephanie made me look like a Old Hollywood Siren for once in my life I actually looked how I felt on the inside. Granted, during the hair/ makeup sesh i was falling asleep and neglected the fact that I was getting my makeup and hair done by my dream team. I got to go with the table of pleasure(friends) I had fun dancing to daft punk to the shitty pop songs I deemed as wrong but secretly knew every line to. It was also great people watching. Like that quiet girl who would sit in the corner wearing a ravishing ball gown, or the kid who would quietly stand in the background having the time of his life. Not to mention I technically got what I wanted which was to steal someone's prom date. I stole my best friend from all his other dates, he had 2. (hahaha) I didn't fall in my dress and I had a rather humble slow dance with this guy from my bio class. Okay, prom didn't suck. It just was what it was
 Movies are fun, they are great but they are just another case of Art imitating life or well in my case life imitating art. I got so caught up in the idea of that I never got caught in the moment. Prom is fun, but I really shouldn't have gave one fuck and enjoyed the evening for its worth. My life may not be a movie, but because its my life not some big staged production. It makes all the spontaneous moments even more worthy.