Banging my head against a hard concrete wall just to erase the thought of you

My whole idiot boy syndrome is getting out of control  .While talking to my fellow BTB for the last time. Right, when I left to go walk to the T.O.P. Guess who walks past me fucking f__________ uh-huh he straight up passed me by as I tried to pretend if nothing were wrong. When really I'm still wracking my brain over it. This happened on my last day which was two Wednesday's ago. I asked Veronica well ask is kind of an understatement when I was bombarding her with mass texts capatilized saying "DID HE NOTICE ME?" She wasn't the most reliable source considering. When she saw this happen she burst out into laughter but from what she did see. He did turn around and might as well checked me out. Then , i found myself over analyzing everything yet again. I thought what if i would've waited or talked just a minute more. He probably wouldve walked over and said something to me. Anything would have been better than the silence and awkward glances. I need to stop i mean one time he saw me in the hallway and smiled at me. I turned as pink as a carnation on a spring day. I WANT THIS TO GO AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My crushes always result to nothing like always. My love life is far past existent its non-existent.

Should've, Couldve, Would'ves: The Account of A Self-Proclaimed Over-Thinker...

I put my emotions on the sidelines and expect them to somehow disappear into thin air. This happens every time. I'm very neutral and indifferent with my emotions. I always hide everything and save everything for last. Which, essentially is bad because when I'm alone or worked up on some emotion then those others come rushing in and soil everything. Then, I find myself  mad, terrified, naive, and almost every emotion in between. Ive missed out on every teenage event in my life. I messed up half of high school trying to figure out what crowd i would fall into and who I was. Now I'm going to have to spend the other half trying to undo the damage that's been done. I'll use up all my time wondering endlessly and the other half solving and over-thinking every word i could've said or everything that would've changed. I've spent half my life trying to figure out why bad things happen to me when the answers cant be explained. Things happen, people change, you change and there's nothing you can do about it. All you can ever really do is try to handle the situation the best way you can. For so long I blamed myself for the car accident that took place last summer and it took a permanent hold of my sanity. I came up with the lamest excuses saying " If I didn't have the music on so loud" or " If we would've gone a different route" maybe i wouldn't be in this mess. I was wrong I was completely in the wrong I let my mother get the best of me and let her convince me it was my fault. I wish it never happened it was more than a simple spin and move. It was an event that changed my view on life. I mean one wrong move and I would've been dead in a matter of seconds. I counted my lucky stars ever since then. Life is tough as it is. Of course its gonna be harder if you naturally assume the responsibility of blame. My father didn't leave my mom because of my sisters or I. He left because he couldn't handle the situation. When life throws bricks your way you cant always assume you'll dodge them. One day out of nowhere one will knock you unconsciously and then what? Your gonna step foot outside because your scared you'll be hit with a brick again. No, you continue and can only become stronger.