Should've, Couldve, Would'ves: The Account of A Self-Proclaimed Over-Thinker...

I put my emotions on the sidelines and expect them to somehow disappear into thin air. This happens every time. I'm very neutral and indifferent with my emotions. I always hide everything and save everything for last. Which, essentially is bad because when I'm alone or worked up on some emotion then those others come rushing in and soil everything. Then, I find myself  mad, terrified, naive, and almost every emotion in between. Ive missed out on every teenage event in my life. I messed up half of high school trying to figure out what crowd i would fall into and who I was. Now I'm going to have to spend the other half trying to undo the damage that's been done. I'll use up all my time wondering endlessly and the other half solving and over-thinking every word i could've said or everything that would've changed. I've spent half my life trying to figure out why bad things happen to me when the answers cant be explained. Things happen, people change, you change and there's nothing you can do about it. All you can ever really do is try to handle the situation the best way you can. For so long I blamed myself for the car accident that took place last summer and it took a permanent hold of my sanity. I came up with the lamest excuses saying " If I didn't have the music on so loud" or " If we would've gone a different route" maybe i wouldn't be in this mess. I was wrong I was completely in the wrong I let my mother get the best of me and let her convince me it was my fault. I wish it never happened it was more than a simple spin and move. It was an event that changed my view on life. I mean one wrong move and I would've been dead in a matter of seconds. I counted my lucky stars ever since then. Life is tough as it is. Of course its gonna be harder if you naturally assume the responsibility of blame. My father didn't leave my mom because of my sisters or I. He left because he couldn't handle the situation. When life throws bricks your way you cant always assume you'll dodge them. One day out of nowhere one will knock you unconsciously and then what? Your gonna step foot outside because your scared you'll be hit with a brick again. No, you continue and can only become stronger.