Forever isn't ever

  Have you ever just sat down and wandered off in your mind for too long? Well I do that on a daily basis. Often times I drift for so long that i dismiss what im actually thinking of and hit the darker ends of my mind. I think about death a lot, and no, its not some morbid infatuation with the dark side. It's the fact that one day all that will remain of us is a photo, our last traces will be left on by social media and the guiltiness one feels after the loss of someone.-
  Growing up I watched a lot of tv shows, especially ones with commentary most of the time i would hear adults talking about that one friend they had in high school that tragically died. It sparked something in me that i cant let go of. I always look at my friends and think to myself one of them could be " that friend I knew" and that scares me because as much as I think that of them it could also happen to me. Death is like a taboo topic to me once i hear it, i run towards the other door closing my ears screaming so i dont have to hear anything. I'm thankful for having everyone I know still have a beating heart, so when strange brushes of it wander into my own life. I feel shattered, its like watching someone die who you didn't know but you feel so bad inside you cant help the feeling. Welp it actually is so this metaphor is pointless.
   Today, I found out this girl who had the same appointment time as i did, died. I don't know how or even when this happened but I cried. At first I got mad at myself, because I hardly knew her. I felt ashamed of myself, like one of those type B personality chicks who cry on command for attention. First off, I dont have a clique or camera crew following me and its okay to feel emotions. Yup, that whole macho crap that somehow seeped into my 8 year old brain really made me afraid of showing emotion. After crying, I remember seeing my teacher freaking out when she heard the news. All she said, was but " She was so young, why her!?" I was so curious, I stared everywhere and thought of everyone of her students. I just feel like this giant gapping hole is inside of me. I didnt know her, I didn't even talk to her, I barely spoke to her once. She always sat across me and laughed with one of her friends. To me she seemed so full of life, so full of energy, just like any teenage girl. I don't know how to gently describe my emotions but in theory its like a rippling effect, when you throw a tiny pebble in the water and it makes a giant splash and you think how can that tiny thing do that? Well instead of a pebble its a person and instead of water it's life. She may have lived a short life, but she lived long enough to create a giant impression.
 Death is an inevitable part of life; no one can run or hide from it. It happens, I can't count the people who will be gone. I have to enjoy the time spent with them and move on because if I've learned anything is that life is too short.

~~~ R.I.P~~

Two Door Cinema Club~ Sun

 I remember one long afternoon when everyone was testing. She just started humming and singing along to this song. I was gonna say something, but I just stayed quiet...

Dear Diary, I am hiding from all my apex classes by writing my dopey feelings down

      I thought I could relish in a bit of some comic relief but what I ended up finding was not as comical to me as it seemed to be to everyone else. I feel so intensely alone, I feel like I’m just wandering in the same circle waiting to get the fuck out. To the occasional by standers I’m what they call as a loser. By definition, I have no life I invest all my time in creating illusions. I’ve become quite the master at it actually, I get lost in my head in the repetitive crap that tends to overpopulate my thoughts. It’s like I can’t tell what’s good and what’s bad. I just hoard everything, I’m a feeling hoarder. Too bad the tv crew can’t film in my head because they would have a massive hit. A global sensation!! Heck  I can even pitch the title JESSICA: THE FEELING HOARDER. WHAT WILL WE FIND IN HER HEAD!!! Ugh, im pathetic. I’ve been ignoring my real responsibilities to what stalk my friends on twitter and look at moving images on tumblr; gain some cred amongst my followers. UGHHHHHHH pathetic *yawns*. Im worried no one finds me interesting, so I fake text, look at the same photos, even turn my data on which I said I wouldn’t. So I can be “cool” first off no one even knows me, and by relying on my phone to provide some sort of interaction is actually even worst. Standing there, socializing or hell looking up at the sky is waaaay much more interactive then hiding my face in my dimly lit phone. I can’t believe im paying extra for staring at people’s food and selfies. I don’t know what I feel. I feel weird, very quiet I don’t feel somber or anything. Im sure the sadness will creep in eventually but right now it feels like im six feet above ground and at any moment I could just plummet to the ground and break my face. Yikes! I don’t want an effed up face but I do feel shitty. Am I depressed nothing tragic has marked me recently? Uhh, what if its my lingering subconscious has entered into the deep waters of my brain. I’m thinking that if I go on the feb. trip to Colorado that maybe I wont feel this way. I mean traveling is exciting, it’s new its fresh and it is also super scary. Although, I was there in August I have this strong gut feeling that if I don’t fix my habits its gonna be just as dramatic and by dramatic i mean my emotional mess. I literally made my high rising emotions get the best of me, that was so childish and i wish i would've disregarded them or got rid of them another way. On a lighter note, not every experience is the same as the last and i cant judge what hasn't been done. So I will brace myself for orientation tomorrow, i cringe at the thought of seeing the resident queen of favoritism get treated better than the rest of us but i'll save myself the trouble of anger and just shut up. I will show up take it in and see if i still feel good. 

- tommorow has to wait, but my temporary loneliness cannot