Forever isn't ever

  Have you ever just sat down and wandered off in your mind for too long? Well I do that on a daily basis. Often times I drift for so long that i dismiss what im actually thinking of and hit the darker ends of my mind. I think about death a lot, and no, its not some morbid infatuation with the dark side. It's the fact that one day all that will remain of us is a photo, our last traces will be left on by social media and the guiltiness one feels after the loss of someone.-
  Growing up I watched a lot of tv shows, especially ones with commentary most of the time i would hear adults talking about that one friend they had in high school that tragically died. It sparked something in me that i cant let go of. I always look at my friends and think to myself one of them could be " that friend I knew" and that scares me because as much as I think that of them it could also happen to me. Death is like a taboo topic to me once i hear it, i run towards the other door closing my ears screaming so i dont have to hear anything. I'm thankful for having everyone I know still have a beating heart, so when strange brushes of it wander into my own life. I feel shattered, its like watching someone die who you didn't know but you feel so bad inside you cant help the feeling. Welp it actually is so this metaphor is pointless.
   Today, I found out this girl who had the same appointment time as i did, died. I don't know how or even when this happened but I cried. At first I got mad at myself, because I hardly knew her. I felt ashamed of myself, like one of those type B personality chicks who cry on command for attention. First off, I dont have a clique or camera crew following me and its okay to feel emotions. Yup, that whole macho crap that somehow seeped into my 8 year old brain really made me afraid of showing emotion. After crying, I remember seeing my teacher freaking out when she heard the news. All she said, was but " She was so young, why her!?" I was so curious, I stared everywhere and thought of everyone of her students. I just feel like this giant gapping hole is inside of me. I didnt know her, I didn't even talk to her, I barely spoke to her once. She always sat across me and laughed with one of her friends. To me she seemed so full of life, so full of energy, just like any teenage girl. I don't know how to gently describe my emotions but in theory its like a rippling effect, when you throw a tiny pebble in the water and it makes a giant splash and you think how can that tiny thing do that? Well instead of a pebble its a person and instead of water it's life. She may have lived a short life, but she lived long enough to create a giant impression.
 Death is an inevitable part of life; no one can run or hide from it. It happens, I can't count the people who will be gone. I have to enjoy the time spent with them and move on because if I've learned anything is that life is too short.

~~~ R.I.P~~

Two Door Cinema Club~ Sun

 I remember one long afternoon when everyone was testing. She just started humming and singing along to this song. I was gonna say something, but I just stayed quiet...