Dear Diary, I am hiding from all my apex classes by writing my dopey feelings down

      I thought I could relish in a bit of some comic relief but what I ended up finding was not as comical to me as it seemed to be to everyone else. I feel so intensely alone, I feel like I’m just wandering in the same circle waiting to get the fuck out. To the occasional by standers I’m what they call as a loser. By definition, I have no life I invest all my time in creating illusions. I’ve become quite the master at it actually, I get lost in my head in the repetitive crap that tends to overpopulate my thoughts. It’s like I can’t tell what’s good and what’s bad. I just hoard everything, I’m a feeling hoarder. Too bad the tv crew can’t film in my head because they would have a massive hit. A global sensation!! Heck  I can even pitch the title JESSICA: THE FEELING HOARDER. WHAT WILL WE FIND IN HER HEAD!!! Ugh, im pathetic. I’ve been ignoring my real responsibilities to what stalk my friends on twitter and look at moving images on tumblr; gain some cred amongst my followers. UGHHHHHHH pathetic *yawns*. Im worried no one finds me interesting, so I fake text, look at the same photos, even turn my data on which I said I wouldn’t. So I can be “cool” first off no one even knows me, and by relying on my phone to provide some sort of interaction is actually even worst. Standing there, socializing or hell looking up at the sky is waaaay much more interactive then hiding my face in my dimly lit phone. I can’t believe im paying extra for staring at people’s food and selfies. I don’t know what I feel. I feel weird, very quiet I don’t feel somber or anything. Im sure the sadness will creep in eventually but right now it feels like im six feet above ground and at any moment I could just plummet to the ground and break my face. Yikes! I don’t want an effed up face but I do feel shitty. Am I depressed nothing tragic has marked me recently? Uhh, what if its my lingering subconscious has entered into the deep waters of my brain. I’m thinking that if I go on the feb. trip to Colorado that maybe I wont feel this way. I mean traveling is exciting, it’s new its fresh and it is also super scary. Although, I was there in August I have this strong gut feeling that if I don’t fix my habits its gonna be just as dramatic and by dramatic i mean my emotional mess. I literally made my high rising emotions get the best of me, that was so childish and i wish i would've disregarded them or got rid of them another way. On a lighter note, not every experience is the same as the last and i cant judge what hasn't been done. So I will brace myself for orientation tomorrow, i cringe at the thought of seeing the resident queen of favoritism get treated better than the rest of us but i'll save myself the trouble of anger and just shut up. I will show up take it in and see if i still feel good. 

- tommorow has to wait, but my temporary loneliness cannot