On to other academic pursuits...................................... lol jk no time for a bunch of photos of my latest obsession

                              Hey, as I described in one of my previous posts. I've recently fallen in luv with Oliver Sims. I always use hyperbole's to describe my latest obsession but this one has proven its the worst. Like many narrow minded people I often say no, before saying, yes. I am super close-minded and by far the worst kind of em. When someone introduces like oh idk a new band or new show. My initial reaction is to act like I'm interested although, how can someone ME act interested if ME is very transparent with emotions. Although, my emotional range isn't quite deep most of my facial expression make me look like a Bitch, depressed, or unhappy? So with that being said, my cousin wasn't buying it when she was trying to tell me how ridiculously talented, this trio was. I mean they are really, goooood and I'm really, stupid. How dense was I? My nods, eye rolls and look of boredom just pissed her off. Not till months later, till I was following (stalking, term used loosely, very loose) my old crush on Tumblr and behold was the coveted XX transparent logo on his blog. I was crushing over that dude, so hard!! I was so enraged with all the little thoughts that were planted in my brain by mindless gossip and lurking that my logic was also unclear and made no sense. I had the same mentality that other girls before me and other girls behind me have or will get. The one where omg he likes this okay well I officially loooove this sooo much, if he loves it and I do, he'll love me what a perfect match!! OKAY, STOP! Right there. I went all Cindy Sanders over this non-quarterback type. After all I wasn't much of a cheerleader either, but a music snob who had a knack for the funny, outgoing,cute, artsy dudes. Ughhh just saying that makes me utter in disgust! stop
As I kept digging through his archives in search of something I can bring to as a topic for discussion i just kept hitting X ends. So, reluctantly I heard " Night Time". I wasn't excited but after hearing the deep bass lines, the strong emotional chemistry between the singers, this dreamy almost, nostalgic sound. I was so hooked I couldn't get enough. They have these soft yet powerful voices. I often found myself creating an imaginary world where it was just me and such said crush. Just us and the xx. A perfect combination!! I constantly argued back at my cousin just to not be a hypocrite because I was secretly hearing them 24/7. So by avoiding it I ended up, being it.. Anyways not till homeboy had a girlfriend and I soon realized Stars wasn't our song and that we could never co-exist and make-out to these songs.  I started liking them, repping them loving them out more in the open. Last week they played Coachella the ultra mega indie music arts fest in Indio, CA. I caught there performance on youtube and found myself screaming into my pillow at midnight ready to burst out in tears. I can't tell you enough on how good they were because it was all just too perfect. First off Romy voice is so soft and genuine. You can totally believe she's yearning for more and Oliver's voice unfffff. These brits really, couldn't be anymore perfect for one another. At one point they had their instruments facing each other, In my head i was like KISS, KISS, KISS, but they didn't damn, teases! Turns out upon my dismay they both respectively are gay. WHAT? yesss These seducing, calming, dreamy, atmospheric sounds are NOT by a love struck couple!!!!!! And this kinda hot, kinda not bass player is GAY? noooo.-.
of course i wanted to shut up but like a crake head going on a late night binges i was searching the interwebs for every little thing that I could find out about them or listem too, they mystique only drew me in further! Basically, in the simplest terms I can put his voice is like sex and no not the moaning and cursing, the soft, delicate, hotness of it.

                                             bae, you so serious
                                          he also, loves Queen B.
                                         Him and his writing partner Romy don't write lyrics to each other or tell one another who these songs are about! Adds for more, mystery, not that the all black attire hasn't   accomplished that.

                                 unnfff, these vacant stares are pretty.. hot

 His uncanny smirks and gifted songwriting just makes me love him 100x more

                          why do i think you're hot, you kinda look like Eminem. Slim Shady, WHO?

I may not completely understand or even have explained my love for you but I tried and now I can treat myself to watching The XX's coachella performance , again :))). They are playing tonight, in Pomona. If only my I knew sooner, I could've at least gave it a go. Now I wanna sulk and cry because I can't see them. Who knows, when they'll come back? to LA

AMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAZING *Oprah voice* 

Dear, Diary.. # 10003040034

            

                             Dear, Diary..

    "Your love is devastating its almost like every gaze you brought upon mine, was a huge, slicing dagger to my heart" me circa bf obsession, last year...

 

 

 So, as embarrassing as that bit sounds this phase oh, only lasted through the early beginnings of teen-hood till today. I swear once I got tits, I also wanted other things and it soon became an unhealthy obsession....

      

~Apparently lessons learned in school can be applied in real life~

As, my English semester(s) are in the transition of being completed, for 11th grade. I'm wrapping up on some lessons.. Today as I was walking back home in a messy manner. Like usual my top was riding onto my midriff and my pants would lower at about an inch, at every move I made. I kept indulging myself in my new found crush Oliver Sims. Yes, he's gay *cough* allegedly buuuuut a girl can dream, rigghht!! I feel weird about him like he's not attractive enough to be gorgeous but his characteristics have taken a life on their own, like the mystery behind his song writing, his voice, the ever so enticing lip biting, unnf, I was so far up in my mind trying to decode the real meaning of "Crystallized" or who inspired him to write "Try". That I almost missed this huge symbolism for my recent decline in friendship.  This one time, well actually the last time I was seen with her. We wandered the mean streetz of noho filled with apartment complexes for the elderly, that is. lol... There are some landmarks of our friendship. I'm pretty sure everyone has that, those places that held the background for some pretty special moments, that hold a near and dear place in your heart. Well try seeing that monument being ripped off the ground only leaving crumbled leaves and broken stems to mend the ground. I was sorta kinda pissed off in a way it was almost ironic because the night prior, to seeing this. I was trying to communicate with her. I didn't really get the exact response I wanted or much of any.. Its weird to talk to someone with 4 lettered acronyms when you used to practically  write full-blown essays to each other. It was weird, awkward and stale. I knew that whatever she was to me * best friend* wasn't worth trying to recreate over meaningless, small talk. I mean there's no point in me moping and groaning because it was already, past it's expiration to begin with. She cut out all the obstacles that stood between her and her actual real boyfriend. For once she was in a good place and I guess bringing someone back from the dead (past) would kinda fuck it up and only remind her of other things she didn't ,really want to think about. Sure, that's one way I can look at it but like someone once said,

"Don’t lose yourself just because you found somebody."

I saw this coming tho, I mean she was boy crazy and a guy's girl. The shit that comes all out all over my news feed would make her old self eyeroll and laugh about it, however this isn't her new self or her old self. Its who she's been or well waiting to be.. Now she's perfectly content with being both. While she has Garette her other equivalent ginger who's up to speed with her.BUT SRSLY who posts cheesy ass quotes, lyrics and mashes them up into some ultra lovey dovey collages, UHHH........I'll have Oliver Sims my non-gay imaginary novio.So this isn't a goodbye but this really isn't a see you later either this is a good luck!

Well eff it, I can make extremely cheesy, unnecessary badly edited picks, as well!!!
seee heres me and my boo, with his ilysm gazee (sorry Romy)

Feeling down while looking up

I never knew the feeling of having a close friend. All my life i just flip flopped from person to person never really, being close to them but being comfortable enough to call them my friend. It was as if the persona i gave off was almost an illusion used to disguise my real self from everyone else. So with that being said, I'm trying so hard not to take the loss of a really good friendship to heart. Although, it may seem petty of me, i hate that im losing my best friend. I can't be friends with her after her nasty court hearing with her against her family, she won and I lost a friend that day..

       Should it be vague of me to say but her and me grew up on and off again. She's one of those people who just pop in and waltz out of my life. We grew up together because her dad is a family friend they've known him since he was thirteen or so.. and he was my uncle's best fraannnd it was a massive group of them and they all were like family. So its no surprise that his daughter and me became good friends as well. I.  remember being seven and going to one of my uncles besties moms house parties. This woman put on a show, her parties were huge productions. There would be a stocked bar, dj, tables set up, food a galore, I mean good god did she know how to throw down a mean gathering!!
Well, anyways. All the daughters of my uncles best frannds would play with eachother, I was so terriblly, shy and I remember a red head little girl who stood out because she was pretending to smoke cigarettes and drink chardonnay. I thought she was so cool and different and also, weird. I didn't get out enough, to know drugs were cool and being bad was fun. From then on we would see eachother and then not..

Fast forward to today and she lives with her grandma. way in the obscure land that is Little Rock, California..  Dont know where it is? I dont expect you to nobody does unless you say charlie brown then,they know. Ever since I've known her she's been in and out of several relationships. She always talked about falling in love and stuff but it never happened till all of a sudden she met her current bf. It would be an exaggerated understatement to say she isn't head over heels in loooorrve with this kid. I mean they have promise rings and hang out 24/7.
This isnt one of those Janis Ian and Regina George things. It just sucks knowing that the one person who I can be myself and who knows me pretty well. is gone for good. I dont have many friends i actually dont have any and cousins they dont count by a longshot but this dude, she was my homie we did everything and it was so much fun. She made going to the grocery store the funnest thing ever. She ran with everything and rolled with the punches. Now i feel like one of those punches that was rolled off..
   I seriously miss her but I'm also, aware of the current state of everything and it seems like what was is just some foggy,unclear, memory from way back when. I sound super dramatic and shot but its TRUE. My bestfriend who I always thought was gonna be that person who will stick with me the rest of my life is now just one of those people i briefly grew up with, Just like everyone else, is.
hearing valerie the other day made me think of her ginger hair, and the way she used to stare and man i miss her. 

Post- Easter

I find myself constantly evolving as a person.. Its so weird to see the things that I used to care about so much with a delicateness is now something utterly useless, the things that would make me re-think my ENTIRE reason of being is now just a thought passing through. I know its not much but to me its a big thing, I try all the time and now without even so much of a flinch it's done. Not to make my feeling invalid or less important but to feel okay at the end of the day with myself and know that in the end I can go home and do ,whatever I want. I may not learn the textbook material but a view of the horizon is enough to make me think hard enough to know, nothing matters.