6.5.14

I know this song is about a hazy, snowy afternoon but it depicts the cheesy coming of age feeling that I overcame. It's weird seeing what could've been and not trying to let that hurt me anymore. Its the mental image that replays in my head that fucked me over.You know what? I'm strangely okay

The great unknown

What is the great unknown? Well I wouldnt know what it was even if it hit me. i'd like to think of my future as this dark, tunnel that's never ending, over shadowed by the outside world peering in but once you get in your blinded and at the same time fascinated by all the fluorescent lights on the walls. It goes by so fast that you feel a rush going from your brain to the rest of your body. I can feel the head rush, the wind blowing in my face, and the lights blinding me. Do i know what my future holds hell no. No one does, its scary how we live our lives in stages. at stage one were supposed to be this but at stage 7 we cant be at stage 4. Now i have learned that life in itself is this big, beautiful mess. we all are on different times and levels. just because we share age and youth does not mean we are limited nor restricted. I, myself am 6 months behind according to the world im late. But like I've always believed in better late than never. I may have arrived to this party too late but nonetheless I made it safe and sound. The road is rocky, bumpy, cracked and slightly uneven. I'm late, I'm late.          
Seeing all the red caps, and fuzzy crowds. I got teary eyed but i could not find it in me to cry. I'm not emotionless, i simply did not feel i felt numb in the way that when i start a fire and a bit of a flame touches my finger. I feel nothing, not one touch could burn me enough to stop me. In like my fiery attempts prior to being there I have inevitably failed and missed the cue. The only thing that really shook me. Was hearing the letters C's. I heard all the names that ive once heard before on the roster sheet. " Cisnerios, Cabera's and Caulderons". A part of me held off for a second in the hopes of Mr. Miller announcing the words Callejas, Jessica but he didnt for I was up here in the stands and they were down there. It would've been pretty epic to get the diploma from my favorite 9th grade teacher whom's corny jokes always past us by because we were too busy playing around.  I felt remorse this regret stretched and spinned off to the top of my head. I heard a dozen names most of whom I recognized but none that i personally knew. I felt bad because I missed countless of opportunities to talk to this person or tell this person how I actually felt or just how I never noticed them. It broke my heart that this group, this huge assembly of people would never be in the same room again. I'm so familiar to this feelin going to ofy has only taught me that you only have right now. They somehow all add up to create this huge experience whether or good or bad or however you pursue to remember it,that's what it is. I've grown so accustomed to being grabbed tightly at the wrist of whats in front of me and still endlessly refusing to let go of what was. In a way im more prepared and more experienced but on the other hand the pain never dies down and the denial always comes in stronger than the last. I want to believe that these people who I call friends who I love so much will be there for me till the end but I know that it doesnt happen, it never does. Forever isnt ever, and today wont stretch out till tomorrow without losing its feeling. There is a future I want, its light, its fun and lively but I cant keep chasing it with a blindfold on my eyes and ear buds hanging from my ears.
    Ultimately I am very proud of my friends and all of their acheivements, this is just a small portion of whats to come. What they've felt in high school has come in smaller way smaller doses of what really goes on. Its like we've tried it at its tamest and intermediate but never felt the actual rawness of it. Adulthood, shit im far from being an "adult" even as a young adult im constantly fucking up. I'm putting aside my short-comings for once in my life and feeling through another person. I know how hard they worked for this and i know this feeling will end but let me savor it for at least a few more sentences. With that being said, I am forever glad to have met Vanessa, Isaura, Shantale, Roberto, and Veronica. Of course I met others in the course of my short lived fairfax career, but none compare to these dudes. To my friend i love you guys, and i hope you guys still talk to me even after your cool college lives take off. To the people I've met in and out of fhs, great things can happen clearly your a product of it.
 Now I can't wait to feel the satisfaction of wearing a black cap and gown, strutting down the stage in Pasadena to receive my diploma. Novemeber, cant wait and neither can I. Like Alan once told me, " People always wait for time to pass them by so they can get what they want but what most do not realize is that you must work with time. If you do not work with time, then you have wasted your time". Coming from a spoiled kid who spent all his cash on pot and impressing girls in high school I was totally surprised but yeah what he said. I gotta work with these next months, or its time wasted.

Happy sunday

 WE ARE TREES- I DON'T BELIEVE IN LOVE

growing pains

IM 18 I CANT WRAP MY HEAD AROUND THE IDEA OF NO LONGER BEING A TEENAGER. this really crept up on me like i had no clue it didnt hit me till 11:57 that I was no longer 17, that in three minutes I was gonna be an adult. Subtly i'll be changing my stubborn teenage tenancies into something with more shape and form. Oh my god, 18 is super young and new. What scares me the most is that my birthdays from here on out are just of me getting older and older and slowly from teen to young adult to actual motherf**** adult. I hope i have a fun day with my friends and just live it up. Im thankful for all the opportunities and experiences I gained. I did not get my dream dude or even dream night but you know what I traveled, faced my fears, jumped off a tree, made not only friends but family and ultimately come to an understanding with myself. 18 aint gonna be smooth sailings but it will be another great year filled with new adventures. Im excited/ scared slash everything and nothing. OMG

IM OFFICIALLY AN ADULT NOW... WHAT THE HECK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Life imitates art

I haven't written on here in a cool minute. I suck at keeping up with things. I mean with drag queen reality shows I'll be on it but with important projects i just leave it unattended long enough for it to come back to me. Yeah. Lately, I've been very petty with my emotions. The green eyed monster has taken me hostage for weeks now. Adulthood is really creeping in, my 18th birthday is in a little over two weeks. I am scared just the idea of it makes my head sink into a pillow. I think I've gotten worse at keeping track of my emotions. Its like one of those graph charts that sky rockets fine and then quickly spirals out of control until it lands somewhere way deep among the clouds. I guess, you could say my thoughts are like clouds either very distant or very close. But whatever the distance may be in proximity it doesn't matter. Clouds from afar seem so thick and full but up close like on a plane and stuff they're really nothing but air. I feel like an airhead most days because the things I say are so carelessly disorganized. I mean I know its gonna rain soon what with deadlines, graduations, and college. I just though this impending storm would be slowly delayed. I thought that bright light would come in and over shadow it but like all things especially my assumptions always go array. I should know better. Prom was my main focus for a good year or so and now that's it passed me by I just feel bitterly disappointed. In all honestly I really did think it was gonna be a momentous occasion in which my life would change. Just like with a highly anticipated movie, a really good movies changes my perspective and moves me. This may have been a highly anticipated occasion for my young life but it definitely didn't do great on the scale. Maybe a 6/10, I mean what did I expect? really, was I gonna meet the dude of my dreams or finally tell off the girls who were mean to me all through my time at Fax. I expected sparks, deep conversations, and of course epic dancing. I've watched too many teen movies that are thickly disguised with fun music and crazier actions. It really was nothing but a small floor filled with sweaty teenagers all in full length gowns and ripped up petals on the ground from all the corsages. Ugh, don't even get me started on the lack of decor I was so pissed I spent a lot of money and not to mention time. Both things that I will never get back. It was half a ballroom, with the star baseball players cousin playing dj, the food was cold, there was a severe lack of decorations. The only thing I really enjoyed was the photo booth's they were the highlight of my night. It was supposed to be A Night In Never-land when it felt like a night at my distant relatives wedding. I knew everyone there, for a majority they knew me and awkward hugs and the typical one liners such as " You changed from the last time I saw you"  or the " You look familiar" AHH, high school how will I cherish and miss the mediocrity. Of course at every prom the popularity contest rules in who wins prom queen and king. I was so happy that a guy one queen. I may have never seen him at school or even heard of him but he deserved it. The crown looked much better on him than any tacky satin could ever do. I thought that was really cute, and the prom queen and king's dance was an awkward but ultimately adorable one. Okay, my prom experience was far off really far off from what I expected but you know what I can't say it was the worst thing ever. Because i got my dream dress for under a hundred bucks custom made at that, I got my hair and makeup done by one of the most sought out duo's in the rockabilly scene. Tony and Stephanie made me look like a Old Hollywood Siren for once in my life I actually looked how I felt on the inside. Granted, during the hair/ makeup sesh i was falling asleep and neglected the fact that I was getting my makeup and hair done by my dream team. I got to go with the table of pleasure(friends) I had fun dancing to daft punk to the shitty pop songs I deemed as wrong but secretly knew every line to. It was also great people watching. Like that quiet girl who would sit in the corner wearing a ravishing ball gown, or the kid who would quietly stand in the background having the time of his life. Not to mention I technically got what I wanted which was to steal someone's prom date. I stole my best friend from all his other dates, he had 2. (hahaha) I didn't fall in my dress and I had a rather humble slow dance with this guy from my bio class. Okay, prom didn't suck. It just was what it was
 Movies are fun, they are great but they are just another case of Art imitating life or well in my case life imitating art. I got so caught up in the idea of that I never got caught in the moment. Prom is fun, but I really shouldn't have gave one fuck and enjoyed the evening for its worth. My life may not be a movie, but because its my life not some big staged production. It makes all the spontaneous moments even more worthy.

Sequins, glitter, and photo ops a galore...

Oh spring, with that comes wait for it PROM * distinctive screaming and shrieking* My old highschools prom was this last saturday, i danced made fun of the popular kids and looked like a total glamourpuss in my stellar dress

Dear Diary, Comparisons are the ultimate ruiner of great things

 The first two weeks of this month were spent in a place that I call home in Allen spark, Colorado. This was my second time going to RMPR. I already had expectations and had a general idea of what I was getting myself into. In the sea of the other 26 kids, I saw nervous faces, I saw there faces go from zero to sixty. They looked mortified, and restless. It reminded me of my first time there, I was so scared and worried. I reassured to them that the next two weeks were going to be amazing, and truly unforgettable. And they were, I loved every bit of my trip it was all so painfully beautfiful
    It was painful; in the way that all coming of age stories start off where the main character is awkward and intimidated by it's new found surroundings.You get to see the characters develop and transform into new people. You go through physically and mentally exhausting challenges. You get to see yourself come out of the experience as a new person. Its also beautiful in the way that you get to wake up every morning and see the beautiful snow. Its beautiful seeing 27 complete strangers become a family in a few days. Here are some highlights of my trip slash outpouring of emotions.

From the immediate second, I was the first one to walk in. I saw Megan my R.A from Blackbird and Claire my R.A from last August. I was so happy, I started screaming it felt like we picked off right where I left off. It's crazy how I only knew them for such a temporary time and already felt immediate bonds with them. I was sorta bummed that I missed Christina by a week but Megan managed to pull of the role of facilitator. It seemed natural for her. It was a challenge returning to what was mine for two weeks. I kept comparing my last trip to this one, I was really quick to judge the new R.As. Which was something, I corrected quite quickly. I came to the realization that they weren't bad at all, they reminded me of why I loved being there. Of course there was about 100 different changes from the last time I'd been there but at the heart of it all the message was still the same.

  
 Lots of changes grabbed me by surprise that I nearly fell at the sight of each one of them. Some were better and some were worse, I don't mean to discredit anything or sound whiny but I will. There were times were I found myself competing with the rest of my peers to catch the attention of the ra's to become one of their favorites. It sounds stupid, believe me I know but I did this last time. That's what made a world of a difference to me. I didn't bond with any of the RA's at all. I wasn't anyone's favorite, and that bothered me a lot. It so petty for me to take nothing and create something. Its honestly been a life long struggle, I've never been anyone's favorite anything, I was never at the top of any list or even friends. I wasn't my mom's favorite or even on Myspace I was no ones top. Last time I was there I was much more focused on myself than my group. I couldnt care less for the sports cliques and the drama/madness that came from it. This time I was all for getting along with everyone and making friends out of it. Most of it was effortless and I enjoyed talking to everyone. I was happy. I sucked it up in situations where I felt less than because like, they've reminded us thousands of times was that we're in the middle of a mountain in a different state with new people and new experiences so i couldn't get mad or even waste this precious time on petty unresolved issues.

 For most of the activities I went in, I was like yeah, I know exactly what's gonna happen. When I saw the two old dudes from last time who looked like cowboys I knew we were gonna square dance, when I woke up on Sunday I realized the emotions this day would bring on, when i saw them bring the chairs in for the round table in the viewing room.I instantly started freaking out and so on and so forth... With that being said, I was just as equally disappointed as happy. The biggest disappointment was when we did the activity where they took us far off out of trail to symbolically throw a rock for something we need to let go of and leave it. We pick one pretty rock and one ugly one. The ugly one you throw far into the snow where you can't find it and the pretty on you keep till further instruction tells you to write something on it. Last time I did this it was in the summertime, before the floods hit. So needless to say many things have changed, when they put me in the facilitators group like last time. I was so excited, because last time. I was with Christina she took me to a small bridge over a wide river that flowed into the deep boroughs of Colorado. I didn't know what she was going to say but when she started talking I started crying. I don't think I ever cried as much as I did there. She basically gave me a pep talk and compared my strengths to the strengths of the ever-flowing river. Of course I found out that others were told similar things, but this one felt customized to me. Either way I don't care who else was told this, point is I never look at rivers the same way anymore and felt like someone actually encouraged me. It was truly magical and to this day I refer to that moment when I feel down. I guess through wishful making up i expected that to happen again. The warm magical feeling of feeling, alright. I didn't they told us to go to the farthest spot we can find. I was waiting for her cue to come in and tell me how amazing I am, to build me up, to say anything remotely relatable to my life. She didn't and i was so bummed. It indirectly taught me that no one has to tell you, you're a good person that maybe some time by yourself will teach you to believe in yourself. That I can't rely on special talks to change me that maybe its all in me to do it.

     With big disappointment came a bigger lesson disguised in it. A lot of the times we create this image in our head of what things will be like because we've already have been through it. It seems almost obvious to naturally assume what will happen next. By constantly comparing and contrasting to vastly different experiences that took place in the same location. I ruined most of these new adventures. I kept seeing it as my second time therefore I didn't take the time to notice that none of it was the same and that's a good thing. Its not like every sunset of everyday is gonna be like the last because just like the sky we're constantly moving. Things can't stay in place for too long there not supposed to.

Forever isn't ever

  Have you ever just sat down and wandered off in your mind for too long? Well I do that on a daily basis. Often times I drift for so long that i dismiss what im actually thinking of and hit the darker ends of my mind. I think about death a lot, and no, its not some morbid infatuation with the dark side. It's the fact that one day all that will remain of us is a photo, our last traces will be left on by social media and the guiltiness one feels after the loss of someone.-
  Growing up I watched a lot of tv shows, especially ones with commentary most of the time i would hear adults talking about that one friend they had in high school that tragically died. It sparked something in me that i cant let go of. I always look at my friends and think to myself one of them could be " that friend I knew" and that scares me because as much as I think that of them it could also happen to me. Death is like a taboo topic to me once i hear it, i run towards the other door closing my ears screaming so i dont have to hear anything. I'm thankful for having everyone I know still have a beating heart, so when strange brushes of it wander into my own life. I feel shattered, its like watching someone die who you didn't know but you feel so bad inside you cant help the feeling. Welp it actually is so this metaphor is pointless.
   Today, I found out this girl who had the same appointment time as i did, died. I don't know how or even when this happened but I cried. At first I got mad at myself, because I hardly knew her. I felt ashamed of myself, like one of those type B personality chicks who cry on command for attention. First off, I dont have a clique or camera crew following me and its okay to feel emotions. Yup, that whole macho crap that somehow seeped into my 8 year old brain really made me afraid of showing emotion. After crying, I remember seeing my teacher freaking out when she heard the news. All she said, was but " She was so young, why her!?" I was so curious, I stared everywhere and thought of everyone of her students. I just feel like this giant gapping hole is inside of me. I didnt know her, I didn't even talk to her, I barely spoke to her once. She always sat across me and laughed with one of her friends. To me she seemed so full of life, so full of energy, just like any teenage girl. I don't know how to gently describe my emotions but in theory its like a rippling effect, when you throw a tiny pebble in the water and it makes a giant splash and you think how can that tiny thing do that? Well instead of a pebble its a person and instead of water it's life. She may have lived a short life, but she lived long enough to create a giant impression.
 Death is an inevitable part of life; no one can run or hide from it. It happens, I can't count the people who will be gone. I have to enjoy the time spent with them and move on because if I've learned anything is that life is too short.

~~~ R.I.P~~

Two Door Cinema Club~ Sun

 I remember one long afternoon when everyone was testing. She just started humming and singing along to this song. I was gonna say something, but I just stayed quiet...

Dear Diary, I am hiding from all my apex classes by writing my dopey feelings down

      I thought I could relish in a bit of some comic relief but what I ended up finding was not as comical to me as it seemed to be to everyone else. I feel so intensely alone, I feel like I’m just wandering in the same circle waiting to get the fuck out. To the occasional by standers I’m what they call as a loser. By definition, I have no life I invest all my time in creating illusions. I’ve become quite the master at it actually, I get lost in my head in the repetitive crap that tends to overpopulate my thoughts. It’s like I can’t tell what’s good and what’s bad. I just hoard everything, I’m a feeling hoarder. Too bad the tv crew can’t film in my head because they would have a massive hit. A global sensation!! Heck  I can even pitch the title JESSICA: THE FEELING HOARDER. WHAT WILL WE FIND IN HER HEAD!!! Ugh, im pathetic. I’ve been ignoring my real responsibilities to what stalk my friends on twitter and look at moving images on tumblr; gain some cred amongst my followers. UGHHHHHHH pathetic *yawns*. Im worried no one finds me interesting, so I fake text, look at the same photos, even turn my data on which I said I wouldn’t. So I can be “cool” first off no one even knows me, and by relying on my phone to provide some sort of interaction is actually even worst. Standing there, socializing or hell looking up at the sky is waaaay much more interactive then hiding my face in my dimly lit phone. I can’t believe im paying extra for staring at people’s food and selfies. I don’t know what I feel. I feel weird, very quiet I don’t feel somber or anything. Im sure the sadness will creep in eventually but right now it feels like im six feet above ground and at any moment I could just plummet to the ground and break my face. Yikes! I don’t want an effed up face but I do feel shitty. Am I depressed nothing tragic has marked me recently? Uhh, what if its my lingering subconscious has entered into the deep waters of my brain. I’m thinking that if I go on the feb. trip to Colorado that maybe I wont feel this way. I mean traveling is exciting, it’s new its fresh and it is also super scary. Although, I was there in August I have this strong gut feeling that if I don’t fix my habits its gonna be just as dramatic and by dramatic i mean my emotional mess. I literally made my high rising emotions get the best of me, that was so childish and i wish i would've disregarded them or got rid of them another way. On a lighter note, not every experience is the same as the last and i cant judge what hasn't been done. So I will brace myself for orientation tomorrow, i cringe at the thought of seeing the resident queen of favoritism get treated better than the rest of us but i'll save myself the trouble of anger and just shut up. I will show up take it in and see if i still feel good. 

- tommorow has to wait, but my temporary loneliness cannot