one is the loneliest number

I'm not one to deny my flaws and where I went wrong I have no problem in seeing my error of ways. I just wish I was better. I'm socially delusional for fucks sake I can't recall a time I had a good time with friends but I can recall almost if not every time I was stood up, plans fell through and etc. In other words I need head and shoulders for all the flakes in my life but then I would disappear as well. I'm just as much as a flake as they are. I've given up on too chances because I was scared or I didn't communicate right or I didn't plan in time or I put too much time and effort into imaging what it would be like that I just couldn't go through it. I've spent way too many Saturdays indoors crying about how boring and pointless my life is. Beaming with envy every time I see a group of peers posting photos and statuses of how much fun they're having. While I'm on tumblr reblogging to the point I can feel my hands numb and knock out with some deliciously cheesy song and cry into my pillow. Yes, I cry way more than I should but, its just enough so no one can see me.
I don't get it I never cried not even in the hardest of times I always had a strong exterior that kept things together but its not like I had much of a choice. If, it weren't me than who? So many nights I prayed for some savior to swoop in and save the day but there never was. So, I had to be my own savior. I had to face the rain and run back through it. Now that I'm older I can't focus on one sole problem but how when several little pesky ones are always tying me down and sinking me down. I always counted on  my teen years being the golden years. I took pleasure in thinking i'd be popular,likable,stylish,smart,outgoing,witty but that persona never fully took off. Im the girl who stays home and listens to music all day. Im that girl who is her own bestfriend because friends are a rare thing for her. Why do you think i never had a massive quince or sweet sixteen? Not because of the money. I didn't have the friends that I told everyone I had I could not for the life in me befriend someone with similar interests during my time at fhs till the day I left.

stuck in the middle

Never has a song been so accurate and precise to my life. There's nothing I love more than discovering a song that I can relate to but the fact that every lyric resonates with me this much. It's so damn awesome. It comforts me in this way that only hot tea with drops of lemon and hints of cinnamon can do for me. It drowns out the rest of the world and is the only remedy for my temporary fits of rage.


*And it's no fun when I'm freaking out*
And it's no fun when I'm always down
And it's no fun what I'm putting inside of me is making me crazier

And it's no fun when I'm always alone
And it's no fun when I'm always at home
And it's no fun when you're laughing at me, always laughing at me

*You gotta keep me away from what they say about me*

Read more: BEST COAST - BETTER GIRL LYRICS

And it's no fun when I'm freaking out And it's no fun when I'm always down And it's no fun what I'm putting inside If he's making me crazier And it's no fun when I'm always alone And it's no fun when I'm always at home And it's no fun when you're laughing at me Always laughing at me You gotta keep me away from what they say about me

Read more: BEST COAST - BETTER GIRL LYRICS

And it's no fun when I'm freaking out And it's no fun when I'm always down And it's no fun what I'm putting inside If he's making me crazier And it's no fun when I'm always alone And it's no fun when I'm always at home And it's no fun when you're laughing at me Always laughing at me You gotta keep me away from what they say about me

Read more: BEST COAST - BETTER GIRL LYRICS

This is why I wear makeup to take out the trash

Everyday I think I'm gonna meet you by some casual encounter and everyday my patience is growing weaker and thinner. I want to be proud of the guy i date i want him to be the envy of every girl. To be like woah! Im ridiculous i blame these stupid movies. Of course annies gonna look gorgeous when Johnny is with his clan of friends. See Annie had professionals fix her up with good makeup and even better hair because Annie's not really Annie. She's just some actress in character. I can't ever wrap my head around that truth. Johnny or any guy for that sake isn't gonna ask me out in some convince store or Target. Obviously realities come a knockin and wants none of this nonsense. Its so nice and comfy up here I cant go back down  to the harsh lonely very lonely real world. The older i get the dumber Ive gotten. I swear if I had a penny for all the times. I ran away from a situation/problem instead of dealing with it at hand. I'd have about two dollars.

Crummy moods ://////////

(NOTE* this song will make you depressed n shizz) Its sad, really sad.

I'm laying here thinking my life over of course what would a self-realization be without some background music that fuels this mind fuckery. Seasick yet, docked. is the perfect song for this pity party of 1. I'm an idealistic,hopeless almost blind not literally because I can see I just don't see what's in front of me or back or to the side for that matter. I just see what I think and half the time I think about the most unrealistic situations. As if I'm the supporting character in this film I call LIFE.  Its hasn't been produced to the delay of my dismay.

Little Things Here & There

Here's a little appreciation post to the smaller things that I'm currently obsessing over. Alrighty Then.....

If your into indie pop alternative electronic songs like I'm utterly obsessed with take a listen to(link down below)this song puts such a huge smile on my face(: I can't stop grinning it's a cute song. This is the type of song I could see myself getting ready to or going on a date. This would mos def be the background song to that so I thought. Until, I realized my impression of the song was far off from what it actually was or well is. It's still about adolescent love. It's just more of the I wanna talk to you I'm too scared so now I'm just gonna watch you from afar and stalk you with this song variety. Yeah? At least that's what I interpreted. With an upbeat guitar and catchy electronic sounds who wouldn't be fooled  Nonetheless great song! by:  Passenger- Night Vision Binoculars

11/1/12

OH HEY! October's over and now. It's November fucking NOVEMBER and in two months will be making up some bullshit resolutions that we all know you or well I can't possibly ever keep up with. You know unless, the whole apocalypse "2012" phenomenon thing doesnt kill us all. What with the zombies or the earth shakings or was it water spillings hmph. Aside, from all those morbid very unrealistic thoughts. Holy shit time you really passed me by. Now time to say a typical cliche of mine to start off a new month. This month I'm gonna try my hardest to change my ways and become a better person. HA! I think I've said that bit double the times its actually been accomplished. I can't lie to myself anymore than needed. Although, it is true. I have to be productive and quick especially this month what with my delay in home studies and failure in traditional schoolings. In other words I bombed all my classes and thought i could easily replace it in summerschool. Which, like everything has backfired on me. Enough with that I'm pretty confident that I will work my ass off to get back into fax and graduate with my class. SO OCTOBER YOU CAN SUCK IT. Starting later I will somehow mend the damage I've made.




Random stolen qoute/lyric: "Even when I'm caught In A place, Panic for a minute got my brain in a daze, I wish you weren't in it there are so many ways..." thanks for that Ellie Goulding. This lady always has great somewhat relatable lyrics with cuts of electronic pop sounds that definitely draw me in.

All These Expectations and I'm An Exception?

    I'm past overdue for a new post. So here's a few things I've discovered about myself. In the last oh you know 48 hours..
       Alright, where to begin. As far as emotions I've been on some weird rollercoaster that zooms straight to mad then depressive sad. I know its odd. I've realized a few things this month. One of them is that I base everything off emotion. That's right im sensitive and the worst kind too. I have this rough, rebellious exterior and on the inside this gooey soft center. That can all easily crumble down in a matter of minutes s. Its funny I put all these fronts and no matter what I try they all somehow collapse on me and  In through comes the "REAL" me the sensitive not so easily distressed, naive, overanalytical idiot. I try not to care about what people think about me because in the end, all you have is yourself and what good is that if you hate the only person you have. It's a typical teenager cliche' we've all been there. I hate that I care so much about people who in a year won't even remember my name let alone like a stupid status. So tell me why? Im wracking my brain over them. Oh, wait dont answer it because I know exactly why. Which takes me to reason numbero dos. I swear a year in spanish and all I learned was how to cheat poorly. By the way dont ever stick post-its to you're thighs it will backfire on you trust me! It's such a shame to be a latina and shitty at you're own language. anyways....  I know all the answers well no that's cocky to say but I know why shitty things happen to me. I unknowingly bug people for advice or for an emotional outpouring and I expect results with every word they tell me. Which is the dumbest thing ever "yeahs and " I understand" aren't ever gonna take me out of there. I should know better than to ask people for help when there in some knee deep shit that they can't even wrap their heads around. Let alone wrap theirs around mine. Which brings me to another problem I expect people to be easier on me for having a shitty childhood. That's an excuse from the books. I expect so much from everyone around me and I can't do it for myself. All these expectations and I'm an exception. Is that bull or what? I can lie to everyone all I want but at the end of the day I can't lie to myself. I throw pity parties for myself every other day and in between a party of ideas based on some stupid thought I had that im still riding off. Im taking ten steps backwards instead of ahead. I haven't been in school since pshhh October third practically a month. Its a wish that i made when I was thirteen dealings with middle school bullies and depression. I'll tell you right now middle school was a nightmare. My classmates didnt know me they didnt want too and I was too afraid. I spent I was in an abyss of saddness everywhere i looked there was examples of what not to do. My teachers we're right everything you do in middle school will prepare  you for hs. I am.. prepared to spent my days in a constant bore locked away in some four walled room. Wishing for a way on the outside knowing even if I were. I'd always end up to go back to square one.