one is the loneliest number

I'm not one to deny my flaws and where I went wrong I have no problem in seeing my error of ways. I just wish I was better. I'm socially delusional for fucks sake I can't recall a time I had a good time with friends but I can recall almost if not every time I was stood up, plans fell through and etc. In other words I need head and shoulders for all the flakes in my life but then I would disappear as well. I'm just as much as a flake as they are. I've given up on too chances because I was scared or I didn't communicate right or I didn't plan in time or I put too much time and effort into imaging what it would be like that I just couldn't go through it. I've spent way too many Saturdays indoors crying about how boring and pointless my life is. Beaming with envy every time I see a group of peers posting photos and statuses of how much fun they're having. While I'm on tumblr reblogging to the point I can feel my hands numb and knock out with some deliciously cheesy song and cry into my pillow. Yes, I cry way more than I should but, its just enough so no one can see me.
I don't get it I never cried not even in the hardest of times I always had a strong exterior that kept things together but its not like I had much of a choice. If, it weren't me than who? So many nights I prayed for some savior to swoop in and save the day but there never was. So, I had to be my own savior. I had to face the rain and run back through it. Now that I'm older I can't focus on one sole problem but how when several little pesky ones are always tying me down and sinking me down. I always counted on  my teen years being the golden years. I took pleasure in thinking i'd be popular,likable,stylish,smart,outgoing,witty but that persona never fully took off. Im the girl who stays home and listens to music all day. Im that girl who is her own bestfriend because friends are a rare thing for her. Why do you think i never had a massive quince or sweet sixteen? Not because of the money. I didn't have the friends that I told everyone I had I could not for the life in me befriend someone with similar interests during my time at fhs till the day I left.