Yesterday, I turned 17. Instead, of being a normal person! I cried, sixteen had this sweet naiveness to it. That i appreciated. Like I lived in a daze for half the year and, the other asleep. It was my fault but I was so caught up in others, lives that I forgot to take care of my own. I remember being in school, physically, I was present but mentally I was always wandering, elsewhere. I would just stare and observe what everyone else was doing. In my head I was like I have friends and a social life. Clearly, my definition of friendship was distorted ease dropping on random ass kids in my class by all means is not having one. I vicariously lived off these peoples lives without them even knowing. I didn't know them, they didn't know me. I was so serran wrapped into my thoughts that the doors in me were sealed, tightly. I never got out. That's partially my fault, but I never got out as a kid. Which should motivate me to do so, to take risks and just jump without looking down. Not once, do I remember being happy and I honestly don't want to wait around for " happiness" its not some force of nature that will easily come and strike me down. Its a state of mind..
After some pretty telenovela worthy meltdowns, I was glad to get over it. Birthdays are not my favorite holiday. There is so much pressure to feel "special" and so much self entitlement into a day, that isn't really, all yours for the taking. Like I know why its a big deal, but I just feel like its not for me. People go out of their way to accomadate you and make you feel special. I never get that, I do it for everyone else, and could never get the decency in return. I went insane, normally people hate getting notifications. I love, and my ego feeds off it. It was like a game to see who cared and who didn't. Clearly, some of my strategies didn't work. The fact that Mehki, of all people was polite and said Happy Birthday, Cousin. Was both shocking and nice. The fact that Amy, my "best friend" didn't even say a thing. Annoyed the living hell out of me now I didn't even care, about the mini ego boosts. What did it matter if my closest friend didn't say anything. I felt dramatic but really, it was my birthday. You can't forget my birthday. I was so low enough, to go on tumblr amd constantly put happy birthday,me. I even pulled an ilysm pls love me back to Duddy when i should've gone to Nick 13.I was verbally, whoring myself out to the internet!
When the pleasure didn't write thoughtful words on my page, I went insane. I lost it, but it made sense. I mean shit when I was there on my birthdays they just sat there and gave me awkward hugs. Have you ever been awkwardly hugged?? Its terrible, especially when you give long ones? Ugh. Shantale and I spoke over messages, I practically forced Veronica to write me an essay, Vanessa and Isaura said hbd. Roberto said it via twitter that cunt! -__- but Shantale pointed it out that not everyone is constantly on social media. So I shouldn't take it as far as I can. But, then again. Everyone is on it and the ones who didn't say anything seemed to be highlighted specks in the way of my day.
My mother and father, didn't even call me. My mom did oh boy, she does disappoint. First, off she calls from an 818 number like if I don't know the area code in the valley! Already, so much shade to begin with, shes whispering saying she's at work(lie #1) bitch, please you're at home watching gordo y la flaca. Calling from one of your boyfriends pre-paid disposable phones. She goes on to talk about herself, and make excuses. Like god!!! Stop lying just get on with it ivr had more meaningful conversations with myself, than her. She just lied and I just hung up on her. What else was I to do, I eventually put my sad ass music playlist on Spotify. Yes, I name my playlists after my many, moods. Once New Order played, I cried so much my face burned. It was like no other cry I've experienced. I was hysterical on the floor screaming into pillows. And It continued, just more toned down. I would go into the bathroom and cry. I got these terrible migraines from doing,so. It felt like tiny people were banging my head with little hammers of guilt, adding to more devastating blows.
Like as I'm writing this "on the otherside" is playing and all I eant to do is cry, and not cry I mean screaming bloody murder cries. I just think mentally, I'm done with everything. Its overheated my thoughts and I'm at capacity for bullshit
I didn't get the day I wanted, for that I would neeed a great, perfect group of friends, lots of cash, and a gorgeous boyfriend. All of things, take time or money and I have none. It was okay! In which I had a nice dinner and I'm lucky to have an aunt who wasn't playing reindeer games with my emotions. She genuinely wanted to see me be" okay". It was better than most, and I didn't kill myself. So that's an accomplishment on its own. I got a new(replactment) phone and I'm alright. Not good, not great but I survived 5/8/13. I was so scared but the pressure is over, which is great. The only thing that sucks is that the older I get the more I have to pay for my own shit. Anyways, I'm okay.
I made my sister buy me balloons because no one ever has, sad. Yes, but whatever. They had pink flamingos!(:
And I wore a classic 80s tee! Bringing my inner john hughes character out.
No comments:
Post a Comment