I took a sudden sharp turn into the parts of my head that I've been reluctantly avoiding. I've blocked these roads off main intersections to avoid the feelings that come upon self- reflection. People wonder why i have a deep, burning hate for the second week of may. There's many, many reasons why i shut these parts off and cut if all access to them. I know better, that's what i tell myself but in all honesty if i did i wouldn't have to look into the blocked off nothingness that they are for some pity or help or even guidance. If I'm sad as it is, why would i make it more difficult by seeking the past. The past is the past for a reason, its all behind me. It's okay to want to go back to where you cam from and measure your successes and mistrials but to keep yourself locked into the inner- divisions of melancholy is just stupid. My birthdays are just landmarks of years behind me that I've suffered, they are days that i'd like to close off forever if i could, that way i could never feel like that again. Any attempt at best always resurfaces and fizzles in my face, so no matter how hard i push them away they spring back and make me miserable. I hate birthdays, i hate them!!!!! The 8 of May can suck my non-existent dick. For every year, that's passed i always end it crying and praying for better days. here's a quick mental round up to keep you up to speed; 16, i spent crying watching sixteen candles, 15, i spent asleep all day, 14 i went to Hottopic with my mom to buy an expensive shirt that was worth less than i payed, 13 my moms boyfriend got a jumper, taco stand, and rented tables & chairs btw no one showed up but a few neighbors, it was mortifying and belittling, 12, was possibly the worst!!!!!! My moms live-in boyfriend took my sister, my moms friends daughter, and I bowling, to Claire's, and to go eat. He felt bad that my mom couldnt join us because she was to work that day but little did we know she was at a bar. Yeah, talk about surprises. Alright, he left us enraged and i stayed behind, at home. Angered by mothers hasty decisions i thought i could go to my older sister and have someone understand me instead, she hit me my mom came home smelling like bud light and red eyes. invited all the neighborhood kids, i hid in my closet and cried all night. She forced me to blow the candles and i walked back into the darkness to comfort me. SO YEAH THATS WHY, im trying to be as vague as possible bc i don't want any of this shit to resurface and ruin me when im older. This is my little corner of the internet that is just about my little world,t he one that not many are allowed into. In fact no one reads this but Victor and, Amy read it once, but what the fuck does she care, she's off elsewhere. I'll be lucky, if she even says something to me. Its funny how birthdays are supposed to be about us but I've never felt that this day belonged to me. I felt like it belonged to any other girl or guy who also shared this day with me. But never was the 8th about me i felt it the most when i turned sixteen and no one bought me those huge silver bubbled numbered balloons thats said 16. I saw a couple of other kids with it and felt it. It was the first day i went to school for my birthday, too. Some girl i knew wore a sixteen candles shirt on my sixteenth birthday knowing how much i wanted it and how much i loved that movie. It was a stale and awkward day. I mean just trying to get that same group of people who didn't care last year, to go to the park to celebrate mine and Roberto's birthday. Is just impossible. i feel stupid for trying to force these people who have other things on their mine to come together. Is just not right.. but they are the only "friends" I've ever had. So Jesus sorry if i want to hang out with all you people, my mistake in thinking you guys actually cared.........
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