vent, runoff, diarie entry

       
 Oh Mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head
See, the sea wants to take me
The knife wants to slit me
Do you think you can help me ? - Morrissey..



    I don't even know why I bother trying? I mean all I wanted was something so simple that I had never done. It would've been nice, or well i thought. Why are my friends such dicks? No one can go to golf n stuff I'm not asking the world, i just wanted to keep busy for my birthday, so i could avoid that empty feeling that i get year round , i always feel empty in a way that majority of people my age probably wouldn't understand because they all don't know this type of loneliness the type that makes you wanna erase your exist it, by jumping the gun or in my case getting that gun and pointing it my way. I'm so sick of spending my birthdays, alone in the dark crying and trying to make sense of a situation that I didn't wanna be in. I can tell you for days how bad I've spent my birthdays and i know birthdays are just another mark of your age and a day people can focus on you. I know its totally lame and stupid. but fuck i never get that rarity of attention so,  fucking yes i want to feel special the day i was born or the day i could've died. I mean, i should've been dead but I didn't theres obviously some reason I'm still here. Through all the bullshit and whirlwinds ive been through i'd like to think it's for a reason. I don't know what for but there must be some god damn explanation. I feel like shit because no matter how hard i wanna overcome that stupid crummy feeling i cant. At age 17, i still dont have a boyfriend OH and middle school ones dont count! I wont have any great stories to tell around campfires, i wont have annything.. And that scares me the most. I really, do sometimes question my existence. It just becomes a lot  and i cant even deal with it. I can wear the prettiest dresses, own the best possessions but at the end of the day i know im not happy and im scared of getting older and becoming a lamer person..