Kinda getting it together hopefully in the near future..

The last sunset of the year and I got to somewhat. Well if seeing glimpses of it for more then 3 min. From trees and branches then yeah the first and last sunset if 2012 I'll ever see.

As I was starting this post off. I was thinking about how unfazed this whole year has been for me but then magically almost in neon lights pops up the year: 2014!!! The year I turn eighteen the year I graduate the end of the teen angst. I'm petrified mortified terrified and anything that means scared and could end with the suffic ied. I'm freaking out goodbye2012 it was nice sleeping all freaking year but it's time to get my shit together. I had one thing one fucking thing and I managed to fuck that up. I'm trying to avoid becoming a dysfuntional adult and trying to teach myself responsibility but it's so hard and im so tired and I haven't begun and I already know what not to expect but I'm still hopeful. I'm trying not to care about him but at the end of the day I don't cross his mind so, why is he constanly running in my thoughts. If I go back to all my rants,dilemmas, screw ups I can probably trace the exact moment where I went wrong. This fuckery didn't begin this year it began years ago. I'm not saying things will automatically change that life will become easier in this and in the following years. I just hope to god I have enough strength, wits and plenty of humor to get me along this journey. This isn't one of those Ccchhanges post because I know myself pretty damn well to know I'm not gonna do shit. I know what I've done and now I know how to avoid, conquer or just react to situations. I Had a lot of bad times this year but to say I didn't crack a smile once in a while would be a straight up lie. I had fun good times came and they left. Once it was over I was completley broken hearted. One of the most dramatic moments of the year had to be the time when mother nature came down with her wrath on me. I had a headache and every

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LCgzX7vwlFk&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Teenagers from mars

Alright, hey guys. My cousin aka my best friend and I decided to have a little fun with her camera this weekend. We came up with different ideas but this one was right up our alley. hahaha We had so much fun editing these and posing like idiots in the freezing cold. Alrights Here I leave you with Billy Idol I'm completely useless when it comes to making playlists so, you tube videos it shall be. Take it away Mr.Idol.
Stay tuned for day number 2.

(The amount of times we had to re-apply our lips was unreal.)

Amy looks likes shes straight up from the 80s.

All the clothing used for this is mine from the shoes to the oh, so radical pink flamingo suitcase.
The whole concept of this was two teenage girls ditching they're crappy hotel for a night of fun seeking rebellion causing havoc amongst innocent civilians.
My sister took the photos, I edited and did my my makeup. I kept thinking of a Pepper walker inspire looked. With stripes and leather jackets. My cousin was are victim muahahahahaha
thanks, cuz sorry about your sweater.

Oh, father of mine.

The year is over in less than a day and a half. What kind of retrospect would it be without bringing Mr. Callejas up the man that's responsible for nothing now. Once, the breadwinner, now partially at fault for why I'll need therapy.
The only good thing I ever got from him are my looks.WHY bother bringing him up then, right? because of his stupid bad blood. I have this eye infection that's just too gross. For me to even step foot out of this door.Thanks dad!
You never called me once on my birthday.
Never once came down to visit me. Never once where there when I was stranded, abandoned, alone or scared. SO FUCK YOU SIR. not even a crappy seasons greetings but an eye styke the size of fucking Elmers boil from the fairly godparents. All unsightly and there's  nothing's godly about that.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kkcbxjWG9Mc&feature=youtube_gdata_player

I fell asleep

I was sleeping when I should have been outside
I was dreaming when I should have been thinking.
I was down when I should have been up.
I was crying when I should have been laughing.
I was blind sighted
My head was down in the ground instead of high up where it should have been

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bnw9tCVVqpc&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Heartilation

Apparently in the eyes of someone over 25. Being mom less and dad less makes you an easy target for adults to try to control you. I get it whatever I'm this pissy teenager who needs guidance but, don't come giving me some. When you don't even know me!? One thing is understanding me and one is judging me. Sure, I'm not an ideal situation my own mother can't handle me so she passes me off to her sister and she's kinda a mess too. No one respects her, no one takes her seriously, no one takes her into account it's like if her total existence is invalid. My whole family treats her like an outcast. Granted her appearnce isn't all that taken care of her personality has hit it's peak and she's seen better days but I will be an idiot, to not be grateful and stand up for the one person who tries, who puts up with my drama, who let's me go out even if its for a while. I can't even talk to her, talk to her. I get so easily swept away with others words. Words can be so inviting yet, decieving. They tell me I can talk to me they tell me if I need something that they'll be there that if I'm falling apart they be the glue to keep it intact. When in fact they're the scissors tearing me apart and ripping me down.
All these members of my family like to think, they play some big grand roll in my life. No, you are not. You are some drunken buffoon who is playing out some twisted little fantasy of yours. I'm not a puppet you can control with you're hands. No! I'm a teenager who lives with her aunt instead of her mom. I'm damaged I'm a wreck I'm a ball of unerved emotions. I'm not easy to handle. I'm not a sick puppy you think you can take in and just throw out. Don't put a fucking 5 dollar bill when I didn't even need the 25c of you're advice. Karla for ex. Says that I can be comfortable with her, that If I need anything to not hesitate in request. Well I've been proven time after time that's its been a lie. She says and has done some pretty shitty things to me calling a fifteen year old RETARDED STUPID INCAPABLE OF READING. Just for choosing the wrong ice cream. Dude, I've enough with my parent bullshit and my grandma and aunts drama to be getting caught in yours. Seriously and what pissed me off more is that she can get away with this. That all these adults can get away with acting like children and the second I, the child in this act like one. I'm the one at fault?
I'm already stronger and smarter than her because I know what she did wasn't really aimed at me but just frustration. It's like, when my mom would "discipline me"  by hitting me. And oh it wasn't you're standard smack on the ass, pulling of the ear. Ha I wish she was straight up hardcore with it. Wires, hangers, extension cords could be seen as devices of terror. After I or know she had one of her episodes. I would be enwrapped with my own anger. Saying things like I hate you" " I wish I was adopted" " I wish I was never born". She would come apologize by saying the sweetest things like, you know I'm only doing this because you upset me, im sorry please forgive me. I was younger than eight. I thought if she had so much regret afterwards. In the moments that lead to it everything but regret crossed her. My point is I've been treated like, some punching bag. It's become heavier and heavier. It has some wear and tear. Everytime someone gets frustrated and takes it out on someone else. They may be releasing it but unleashing a whole new anger in them. I'm damaged and I need help. I do not want to ever end up like these members of this so called family who run around saying stupid shit thinking it won't affect others. I'M NOT ANY OF YOU'RE PUNCHING BAGS. YOU HAVE A PROBLEM, you SEE IT THROUGH. don't act like what you're doing is right just because you're fucking old and wanna act out like a child. You only call me when you're not sober.

Slowly drifting apart

Hey! The following will be super dramatic, cheesy and annoying if you already know me and know who it's for.

Last year around this time I was surrounded with teenage girls at some sleepover watching red box flicks and having laughs with eachother are bonds were growing and I felt happy.
Now present day 2012, I'm sitting here blogging my feelz out. Reading my present. Ahh the irony (reference previous post) my Christmas was all bitter and no sweet. While one was in long beach, the other at a family party I wasnt invited to, and the other somewhere in los Angeles. I was stuck in north Hollywood. At my aunts house like usual, no one was there and I was bored. I didn't feel that warm festive energy that's supposed to be lingering during the holiday season. There wasn't a tree just shitty feelings in the air. So much tension you can cut it with a knife or better yet my spork. I am sick of constantly trying to fill this black hole with them. I want my cousins to understand. That fuck ever since I started hanging around them I became more of a sensitive fuck. I always had feelings that I'd usually shove to the corner and wait, till they devoured me.
Now all I do is express them with the cheapest way. I CRY, always, constantly and it never seizes to amaze me. How much tiny droplets of anger will roll down to my face. I have issues and lots of them and it doesn't seem to help when my issues and problems aren't even agh what's the word being taken seriously. Let's face it. Well no let me face it. What did I expect! Were all completely different this isn't some gang of misfits that learn life lessons in some heartwarming movie directed by John Hughes. No, it's not its me living on a delirium and kissing people younger than I am assess. Im trying to look cool in front of fucking fourteen year olds who clearly have more friends on facebook. Then, I have in real life. Even my virtual ones suck so much I had to get rid of them. I just hate when people don't take me into account for instance, two of them are having a sleepover. They only stopped by for 15. Min and in those fifteen minutes I wanted to bang my head with a shovel and forget about them before I depressed myself. Thanks! For the invite cuz. Glad you stopped by to tell me how awesome you are. I get it Mehki (14 yr old) hates me I embarrass HIM because I'm the drama queen who can't even walk the hill at the round about at citywalk without breaking a sweat. Or that I only get two likes on facebook. Whatever, the list can go on and on but no matter how long the listing may be all the reasons are just as superficial as the last.

Images below are of this past year. My fuzzins. Regardless, of the fights,drama and acts of stupidity. Ive had good Times with them. One day will all get along. Once, I take the time to figure out what I'm doing with my life and sort my feelings out before I take it out on them at another family party.

Cynthia, Jasmine, Eunice, Mehki, Amy
&  myself.

Today I feel like utter and an on going never ending crap feeling. My eye has been tripping and I have eyeliner glued to my eyelids from two days ago, speaking of christmas it sucked. I personally was raised on the knowledge of knowing Santa was a mythical creature that only gave to the rich and to well kids like me. The lesser known ones we didn't even get so much as coal in our stockings. We'd wake up with excitement that slowly turned into disapointment. Christmas wasn't always this depressing once upon oh uhh ten years ago. I had my brief affair with winter wonderland fascanation  The glitter, the comfort, the sweets, the cheesecake fests and most important the TOYS. As, a kid I grew up as a spoiled brat. On one occasion I can remember it like if it happened an hour ago well because ever since they  never let me live it down. I was Bout six we were at my mom's step dads brothers house. They were a lively bunch of salvadorians that welcomed everyone over. We opened are gifts at midnight because were latinos and our traditions rule over you're feeding Santa and sleeping in feetie pajamas. I was dressed up as a dollie. My mother treated my sister and I like, we were her personal dolls that she played with Nd dressed up but once, she was bored she'd toss us to the side and give us to someone else who wanted to play. Sadly, not Always did anyone want in on this game my mom had going on. My older sister always got the shit end of this already uneven stick. Splinters on one end and glitter and marble on the other. Explains why she rebeled against her in her teens. Oh, man those were some dark ages but back to the Christmas situation. Right, so all of the younger kids would sit in a circle mouths watered, eyes wide open and thank yous just pouring out of our tiny mouths. As each and one of my cousins got they're gifts.I was sporting a bitch face wwwaaay before it was cool. My lips were potty my arms were crossed and my eyes were filled with tears. I opened my gift with so much excitement shaking the box was it a Barbie or what is the new bratz doll or what it an easy bake oven. No no and no. As I unwrapped the gift wrapped paper I slowly started unraveling. It was ugh behold a crossword puzzle. 500 pages of fun filled twists and turns. The words just naturally muttered out of my mouth. Like warm butter on bread. ' I don't like it' I don't want it and " A BOOK!?!*!" then, I cried for a while and was lectured. I saw the price of this book that they clearly picked up from some tiny tourist shop. They could've put some effort considering they were my god parents. I thought they hated me and looked down on me. This was the  year after my parents divorced even before I even hit my pre teens. I was already a ball of angst and anger. I was m angry child. Not, saying that I'm still not. I found it unfair that my sister got the most presents and she could barely talk without uttering some nonsense. So, maybe this was a clue that Christmas was gonna be the worst time of year for me other than  the 364 days of the year that already wreaked havoc on me.

In between days

Oh, today is the 23. I know i should pay more attention into my writing but lately everythings been slipping in my mind. I dont even know where I stand with anything. For the first in a very long time or no actually it was my first time. I was able to have fun drama free, bullshit free fun. I didnt have to worry about a curfew or getting caught. I was in so much pain but the pain was just a minor price to pay along the way. While, everyone was sitting in there homes waiting for something disatrous to happen. I was waiting in the cold ass weather to see my favorite band play. I know it's cheesy and a cliche but honestly if you haven't experienced it than you really don't know what your missing. I know I'm in this mood where I think I'm better than everyone. Like, if I wouldn't have gone. I probably would've gone to some family party. Where everyone gets out of there limit drunk and emotions are running high. With or without alcohol emotions are always at their tipping point Why? I guess everyones emotional. Some times I feel like they need there own reality show. Just to know how stupid they all sound. Like, my cousin who I'm already feeling wonky with because she put my other cousins into her fifteen and not me and even then I always feel left out and I'm the older one. They act like they have better things to do around me. I feel like I'm always trying to impress them with little white lies that just vanish into air. They always have something to say and I just stay quiet because if they even knew half of the hells that I deal with. They wouldn't know what to say. Which I'm used to. So, I'd rather say so and so thinks I'm cute and were going on a date. It just sounds visually more appealing. Okay, but anyways, some drama always brews up and this time I took no part in it. I wasn't taking sides, or giving my sweet ass time to someone who could care less. No my time is valuable and time isn't a thing to be toyed with let alone, my personal emotions. Plus, why would I put my 25 cents where they weren't needed. Some drama about oh, you know what with her party and how life it is to be her. Well good this is a good start for me I think my obsession has slowly lost my interest. I was always obsessed with hanging out with my cousins all the time. I thought it was cool that they're was a group of teenagers and we all were different. But we all found common ground and hit it off but I came to the conclusion that, that sounds more like some bullshit well scripted drama Created by some forty year old who don't know a thing
I was wrapped in this naive constricted character who only knew how to start fires and couldn't set them off. It's sad when all that consumes your mind is something that another dreads. Agh, I didnt want this to be long but ahh who cares I'm the only one who reads this anyways. And you know what I could give a fuck about about what they did and others drama. "don't go dipping you're feet if there not dirty." Plus, they didn't even care to bother with my appearance there. They didn't even ask if I was there. So fuck them.
Why am I trying so hard to fit in with fourteen year olds who just post a tiny heart on social medias and get one hundred likes. While I can't even get four if I tried. There selfish fucks all of them including the ones who didn't show up. . So yeah I'm fucking glad that when I wasn't there and they asked Brittany " where's you're sister?" She replied with " at a concert" you don't know how much satisfaction that gave me.

 

Kim Nekroman being a badass, like usual. Great show what an amazing night to be alive!!aaah 

I should've seen the signs sooner, now it's too late too react. Now I literally cannot stop thinking about you. Knowing what I know now. I wish, I could just go back in time BUT I can't. You're stupid grin haunts me, that dumb struck look on you're face when you talk about the things you're passionate about, and ugh all that flirty eye contact was like a dagger went straight through my heart and into my brain. I knew something was stirring up between us. I just never brewed it and you're music taste was impeccable. We were living that one Artic Monkeys song for like, two months. Or, so I think.well just those verses

" Stop making the eyes at me and I'll stop making the eyes at you. What, really surprises me is that I don't really want you too"

Watch "Arctic Monkeys - I Bet You Look Good On The Dance Floor (2005)" on YouTube

<p>Not dating anyone for like ever is practically, the equivalent of not owning a phone. Which, I perfectly fall under both categories. Y kno since I have none. Well I just gotta a phone today, my first. I've always been reluctant to get one and wanted to put it off for  as long as I could. Mainly because I'm an interweb whore who just loves using up WiFi and also, who would I text, would anyone call me, am I gonna have any contacts, will people ever prank call me? And etc.. these lingering questions won't be answered. Now I can self indugle and log in and outta facebook as much as want. Which, is a bad very bad I can't stress the emphasis on b a d idea. The idea of being able to see people who have life's post and parade themselves. All around the internet is just depressing. It's like the cool kids just get cooler and the loners(me) just get lonelier.

I just wanna end it all give in and get out. Im so miserable i think the only thing thats been keeping me sane are my records but not even my favorite songs can fix this. I've been thinking about offing myself for the longest of time. Its not like i think about it all the time its just always in the back of my mind. I'm tired and lets face it my life isn't getting any better. My friends don't care my friends on the internet could care less. Every time I need someone its like I'm talking too myself and no one can hear me. My family is driving me insane. My mom of all people who screwed me up tries to find more ways to fuck me over. Its not like im emo now or anything. Its just that I cant handle it. I suck at dealings with everyday life. I can barely even write this without getting frustrated. My best friend of all people who I've been for countless of times cant even give me the time of day. Yet, when she needs someone im always there. Same with everyone else i befriend they eventually give up and forgot. i dont even know why im writing this or even talking about it. I just really wanna go away and never come back. so ill just cry like the miserable shrew that i am all night to the same songs till I decide on something.

Glued to the keyboard

As I stood here in the California rain waiting for it to soak me waiting for hundreds of droplets to fall out of the sky and fall into my lap. Admiring the quietness and taking in the moment but wanting more. I am disappointed I expected streams of rain to be falling but it felt short. Moments like these make me wish I payed more attention to drivers ed. I just wanna roam the streets for no apparent  reason but just to drift away in my car. Blast a song that has meaningful lyrics and roll the windows all the way down. So, the rain can just hit me while my mind is clearing. I would normally opt. to walking but I'm not in a position to just leave and walk away in the rain. Plus, I'm a weenie and I wouldn't dare. They say "Live A Little" I just wish I could.

Records! Come and save me

Tonight, In despite of the usual nothingness of this house. My aunt is having an adult toy party in other words a dildo party YAY!-_____-. To anyone who's not in my position they don't know how awkward and horrific it is to see you're living room transformed into a den of devices and swing sets and ugh of course dick shaped everything. Although, its beyond me that my aunt can't be like other members of the family and throw Mary Kay, Avon, jewelery, Tupperware, hell even pots parties. ANYTHING really! Last year she did this I blasted Ella Fitzgerald to blur out the blunt answers and laughing. If it weren't that my aunts, grandma, and other relatives are a mere fifteen feet away distance from the end of the hall. I would be cracking up at the thought of grown ass women talking bout sexual experiences and shit. EWE
My sister got lucky and zoomed out the door right after, she found out I however am confined to the very thin walls of this house. Did, I mention she's twelve and is at her best friends house.
I have no friends well here in the valley other, than my cousins but y'kno them they're off doing their life. While I'm here stocking up the room with everything I'll need so, I don't have to come outside and see everyone and get asked stupid questions about me being a teenager home on a sat. night while their daughters,sisters,& nieces etc... are out and are  my age. I'm gonna try to avoid it all as much as possible.

Wish me luck..

I'll leave you with  King Missile. Lol very appropriate for the evening that lies ahead

Attack!!! Of The Late Night Delirum. I'm at it again

I'm not feeling like my best granted even at my best I feel my worst. I've been bedridden for the last two months or so. (Oh, and its not because I broke my leg or something I wish that would be far more interesting than my actual story.)You know when I blew the candles to that $5 dollar cake from the supermarket. Wallowing in my misery because I didn't get a Sam Baker ending to my sixteenth birthday and my friends completely forgot about my bday. Well they didn't forget they just didn't care. My point is I had this hope this great big hope that things would finally change for me. That everything would get more interesting that the guy of my dreams would swoop in with a Harley and a leather jacket. My birthday was in May its December. I still can't get over how sad my life has become. The most exciting part about my day is staying up till 3in the morning. Just to catch a freaks and geeks rerun on Sun dance. Then, after that I test my eyes and see how much further I can go on. I find it so sad that the only person I can relate to in this four walled,one window world I live in is on a tv show that ended like twelve years ago. I hit my breaking point on one of these nights that the TV automatically shut off right when my greatly anticipated show had begun. I was beyond pissed I was enraged with my own patience. I had to wait ten minutes till the receiver started up again. Well,Me being me the impatient person that I am. I kept touching all the buttons desperate for any sign of my newly beloved show and OF course I touched the wrong button and it would take another twenty minutes. I was cussing out the TV, ready to cry, at one point I even started shouting to the receiver as if it were a real person. "Your not a receiver no, your a deceiver". Yeah._.
I don't know if it where late night delirium or being malnourished or if I was just going insane. I came to the realization that waiting up for a show that only lasts for an hour a day shouldn't be the highlight of my life. Yeah, it completely sucks knowing that I'm alone and the only person to blame is myself for it BUT I have to make an effort to make myself happy and not look for it in other characters people. As cheesy as it may be.